Embrace the Suck — Part II
Growing Pains
I feel compelled to continue the “Embrace the Suck” saga by sharing my recent experience in my healing journey. Sometimes I find that God has an incredible sense of humor when He reminds me of something I wrote while going through the same experience I wrote about. This was the case for me this week.
I have been focusing on healing my body for the past several months. Trauma infects our bodies on so many levels. There is a lot of research on how it can cause various conditions related to elevated stress hormones, etc. As a sexual abuse survivor, I have been avoiding this area of my healing journey for a long time because I intuitively knew there was a lot to unpack, which goes very deep.
However, I’ve come to the point where I feel like it’s time to gather my courage and come face to face with the hard things. I found a great practice of functional doctors who are trauma-informed and willing to help me get to the bottom of some of my health issues.
After initial testing, I embarked on a 30-day DETOX (Whole 30) to help my body clear out all the toxins accumulated in my system. I will not get into the depths of the Whole 30 plan, but at a high level, it is removing things like dairy, grains, sugar (even substitutes), bread, etc., and eating whole, unprocessed food for 30 days. After 30 days, you start introducing food categories back into your diet, paying attention to how your body responds.
It has been a challenge…mentally, emotionally, and physically. I think everyone starts out gung-ho because we want to get to the bottom of what is going on in our bodies, but after a week or two of eating the same things and having so many restrictions, it starts to test your mindset. There were times when I wanted to quit, cheat, and was focused solely on the things I couldn’t have.
I had to work through the agitation in my mind about feeling restricted and constrained, which is an especially difficult struggle for sexual abuse survivors. It triggers all kinds of things in my body. I kept reminding myself that I was doing this so I could feel better in my own skin and not necessarily lose weight. I challenged myself to focus on what I could have and introduce some creativity to the process, which helped tremendously.
So many things came to the surface for me emotionally, as well. At times, it felt like a punishment, and I had to convince those little parts of me that I was doing this to help us all feel better.
I knew things would start coming up for me, which is why I avoided it for so long. When I was an adolescent substance abuse counselor (at the beginning of my career), we used to call this bringing up someone’s bottom. Many of the heavier elements of our past sink to the bottom, and to remove those unwanted elements, we have to excavate them.
I finally finished the thirty-day detox, with Easter Sunday being my last day. I could say I “survived” it, but I want to do much more than survive. I want to help my body feel better…to function better. Before initiating the re-introduction of food, I had to have a pep-talk with myself, affirming that to reach my goal of helping my body feel better, I would have to make choices that supported that goal…some choices would be more difficult than others.
In addition to working through the physical part of my healing journey, I went through a 2-week stretch where my attachment wounds were triggered by changes to existing relationships (like my coaching container ending with my business coach, who I have come to adore). It wasn’t just one situation.
That set off my typical triggered response to my attachment wounds…questioning all other attachments and “turtling” (pulling away from all the healthy attachments I had). This is not something I do intentionally; it is part of my trauma response, and I could see a pattern to it.
The big challenge I faced this week was working through the attachment stuff without the help of a long-standing coping strategy…food. I’m sure many of you can relate to emotional eating. Still, my commitment to this eating plan clashed with my ability to cope emotionally with the pain of my attachment wounds.
I told my therapist this week that it felt like I took the pacifier away from the baby, and nothing else would soothe that wounded part. I knew this was there because I have been using food to cope since I was a toddler… thanks to my mom’s teaching. She loves people through food. I felt intensely agitated in my spirit/mind. It was like watching my children when they were sick, and I could do nothing to soothe them or make them more comfortable.
It was so intense that I wanted to come out of my skin. I wanted to use food for comfort, but I had come so far and didn’t want to start over. Besides, this is what I was trying to get to…these are the things I knew I needed to deal with.
At this very intense moment, the Lord reminded me of the original blog I wrote on Embracing the Suck and challenged me whether I would do what I told y’all to do. Ouch! Thank you very much for that pointed reminder, Lord.
There are certain things that are core values for me, and one of them is authenticity. I will not pretend to be someone or something I’m not. I will not pretend to have it all together when I am on the healing journey with everyone else. I will NOT play the hypocrite by telling you to “do as I say, not as I do”…I heard that too many times during my childhood. I am going to be real and keep it real.
So this week, I have been embracing the suck with you. It has been extremely uncomfortable, painful, and challenging, but also beneficial to my healing journey.
Here are some of the things I learned this week:
1. I have a definitive response pattern when my attachment wounds are triggered. It is very consistent. I also know I need to re-attach once it has run its cycle.
2. My coping strategy for this trigger involves emotional eating. This has been the response for many decades and is not easy to extinguish. Not allowing myself to use this coping strategy tells me it can be done, even though the extreme agitation was very real.
3. The intensity I experienced came from a wounded child part from my past, not the present. The intensity was the thing that alerted me that I was triggered into an emotional flashback. Once I realized that, I could view that part with more compassion.
4. While the emotions were extremely intense, they lasted for a moment in the scheme of things. Sometimes when we experience intense pain or discomfort, we think it will last forever, and we need to escape it. The intensity will pass. It won’t last forever.
5. My capacity to sit in and tolerate discomfort has grown exponentially since I started therapy in 2019. I have come a long way and am grateful for my growth.
Well, my friends, welcome to the suck. I wish this were the last time I will be here, but I know that is not true. I am expecting many more “opportunities for growth” to come out of this health journey I am undertaking. While I am not looking forward to the discomfort, my eyes are focused on the prize.
As always, you are not alone on this journey. I would love to accompany you on your courageous path to healing. Contact me to schedule your free discovery call.
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