
Dear Lady on the Train
I don’t know what the fuck you were thinking, maybe you were raised wrong. You certainly weren’t taught real train etiquette. For you came on this train, and did the unspeakable, you sat next to me.
And not to come off as a dick, I will indeed explain all your mistakes, one by one. How you turned the miserable two hour commute home, into a worse experience than it already is. How you took the only rest I get all day and turned it into a half hour train journey of me questioning your every move and decision.
Let us begin with your primary crime, the true unforgivable action. You chose to sit next to me. And had this been a full train, I would have more than welcomed you into the seat next to me, I would probably have moved my bag off the seat for you. But this was not a full train, this train was empty, with NINE visibly open seats RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. And yet you still chose to sit next to me. Why would you do this?! Now both of us are a little more cramped, I can’t lounge on the seats like a douche, and we must both sit completely upright! I can’t even enjoy my music properly because you took away the seat I was tapping the beat on.
And not content with taking just the one seat you decide to take the seat opposite yourself too, for your bag, a seat which you could very well have taken. A seat that would have left me pleased, would mean your bag could be by your side instead of in front of you and, most importantly, you wouldn’t have blocked my escape. By taking the seat opposite you, you effectively turned a 4 foot gap into a half foot gap due to your knees and the edge of the seat. This means I couldn’t move to a more comfortable seat. I am now accepting the bitter truth that I’m stuck here, but you took it further.
Two offences were clearly not enough for you, you had to commit a third. You began to undress and loosen your clothing. You had clearly ran for the train and you were slightly sweaty. This, in itself, is of course no crime. However to proceed to elbow me while you unstick your damp clothing from your body and then, follow it up with erratic fanning, to cool yourself, using a tissue. A tissue, by the way, is a terrible paper to use for a fan, it is far too flimsy, but somehow you made it work. Congratulations. But this fanning led to offence 4, an agitating offence.
When sweat and perfume combine, it is rarely pleasant. I believe it never is but there are freaks out there who may enjoy it. But your erratic fanning, combined with the sweat from the running, and the excessive amounts of perfume you had applied to last the entire week no doubt, they made for an olfactory cocktail that was, in the cramped confines you had created from offences one and two, unbearable. I was suffering. I truly suffered in your company.
And there was yet to come the cherry, the crime that was committed by the girl sat behind us, but your assistance was not needed yet it was provided. While she shouted and giggled down her phone, you decided now was a good time to discuss something with your husband, equally loudly. As my headphones struggled to block attacks from the rear and the right all I could think of was how under appreciated all train passengers are, and how train etiquette should be on the curriculum of all high schools, as you provide an excellent case for it.
So please, for the future, spare a thought for your fellow passenger…and just don’t sit next to me.
Frankly,
MB
