Last last Christmas, I gave you my heart.

I originally wrote this two years ago. I was wrestling with what to do with the unrequited love I had for a dear friend of mine.

Isn’t it uncanny how recalling a profound moment, no matter how long ago, can make your chest swallow itself? Is that just me?

She told herself not to give it to him if giving him a gift meant fishing for approval, kindness, and his affections. Each item was carefully curated to his needs and had her personal style and insight into his personality. They were perfect together — the gifts, of course. The card alone took her two hours to pen and draft. She wrapped everything with joy because of the artfulness of gift wrapping as well as gift giving. The glitter of the Christmas ribbon was opulent when contrasted with the simplistic canvas of sandy butcher paper that she wrapped the objects with. Her penmanship was carefully melted onto each paper and attached to the enclosures of the gifts.
It was complete.
Days later she saw him and mentioned her simple request, “Don’t leave without letting me know. I brought you something.” And per usual, he responded with a ridiculous joke that left her heart warm and grateful for his childlike (but sometimes wildly immature) spirit.
The night went on and when the time came for them to part ways, she reminded him about the gift as he got out of her car. The trunk popped open and her heart raced to a calm excitement. As she straightened up holding his gift, he circled around the car to her and they met eyes. She smiled and handed over her beautifully mastered artworks, “Merry Christmas!” He had very little reaction, but she knew he was thinking something. Her nervousness took over and she said Merry Christmas again and left. She heard him say “wow” as she walked back to the driver’s seat, and her joy was at its prime.
He thanked her again the next day in a short text, and moments later told her “It was perfect.” She realized that the gift received approval, kindness, and his affections. Her heart grew confused and disappointed in her weakness.
Dec 25th, 2015 11:27:33pm
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