yesterday was my first session of therapy. when I arrived, I filled out several sheets of paperwork (as I was previously informed I would have to). it took me a good 24 minutes. more than just describing or marking past symptoms and insurance information, I also filled out some sheets where I had to rate my mood or tendencies over the past two weeks INCLUDING TODAY. the directions were always very adamant about that part. although i’m sure they include that only to give clarity, as opposed to emphasize the need to include “today.” who knows.

my therapist sounds the same in person as she does on the phone. super sweet, calm, softspoken.

in the small room we had, it’s somewhat dimly lit. which, I did mind, although I’m sure if it was a brighter room, I would’ve despised it instead. we didn’t go over too much. the first half of our session, she had to go over different contractual/legal things and get my signatures for consent. for the actual therapy part, I was asked to explain why I had come in, and to provide a little bit about how I’ve been doing/feeling. at one point, she made an effort to compliment my already “healthy coping skills.” I didn’t tell her about my tendency to grab or imagine myself drinking an ice cold beer when I’m sad or stressed. I’m seriously not an alcoholic. I just like getting buzzed to destress. that’s different, right?

she often asked questions or repeated back to me a condensed version of what I said in order to get a better understanding of how I operate and who I am. I wonder what kind of notes or thoughts she had about me that weren’t so clear from the outside. like, therapist thoughts, you know? the ones that are analytical and calculate how she should go about helping me recognize and work on my emotional/mental tendencies.

therapy is a positive experience so far. fairly neutral, but I can tell she’s working and trying to understand me. in those small instances, when she’s repeating what she thinks I meant or asking me to explain things, I can tell by the way it’s worded (or the fact that I don’t understand what she’s asking) that we’re not on the same page yet. I KNOW, that takes time. but of course it would’ve been awesome if we had been a perfect match from the get-go. why is it called get-go?

I drove by my old workplace after my session. it’s on the way to the coffee shop I wanted to check out (which, btw/fyi, was closed by the time I got there. so I decided to go next door to Pie Hole instead. serendipitous because I found out they have free refills on drip coffee! yay ways to save more money for grad school! or I could just refrain from buying coffee in the first place… nah.). it’s just down the street from my therapy center. saw an old co-worker from the road, the only reason I decided to stop by and say hi. everyone else working there is new… oh, except Linda. so that was weird to visit such a familiar, but different place. like a dream when it has recognizeable persons from real life but all the normative structures and physical spaces are altered and whacked out. old co-worker was the same as usual, but we actually had a really good talk. I say actually because I remember how I used to view her back when I was working there… I looked down on her. and now… I don’t really see her in that way. nothing’s really changed about her and I think she still very much lives her life as she did back then, but I just don’t care. and I can treat her well and have a good time just catching up.

hm.

her phone’s been broken since Monday so we can’t really set up a time to catch up or grab drinks in LA. I told her to just reach out to me when it got fixed. but as I was saying my goodbye, I mentioned that I come every week now for therapy, so we can also catch up then. but when I said that, she was surprised. for. sure.

“therapy?”

“yup!”

“like, you’re giving therapy or”

“yea I have a therapist”

(before she can respond) “ok, I’ll see you next week! have fun at work”

A long time ago I stopped wondering why there were so many crazy people. What surprises me now is that there are so many sane ones.
Ruth, Goodbye, Vitamin
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