A new year.

“But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13–14

As I have spent these in-between days from Christmas to New Year’s Day, I have been consumed with grief and sadness. Mostly over the loss of myself and the fear that I will never have such happiness again. Which goes against my last post here and discussing Cynthia, Part 3. But you see, grieving is a process and often a slow one. I have to allow myself to grieve over the loss of my love of being able to bike ride down a hillside holding myself in careful check as the wind whistles past my ears, or swimming through the water with the ease of barely a thought and a gentle kick of the legs, a graceful stretch of the arms past my head and that wonderful feeling of weightlessness as I skim across the water. Or effortlessly moving about my home and kitchen keeping things tidy and spending an afternoon baking. All of those special talents of mine…now memories. Oh there’s so much more, too, but if I go on then it just gets tedious and whiny. What’s that old saying, “Show me a man without any shoes and I’ll show you a man without any feet.” So I am always trying to temper my grief with the knowledge that there are people suffering much more profoundly than I. But, it doesn’t always work. Because the fact remains that I have lost something precious to me. And damn it, it’s hard! So, how do I go about “forgetting” what is behind? Well, the first step is the “straining.” And I’ve done a lot of that. Sometimes I strain so hard it feels like I may give myself another anuerysm which is what got me in this place to begin with. So I strain to what lies ahead. But, honestly I have to admit sometimes I’m straining for what is behind, because I miss it so much.

Please forgive the rambling nature of today’s blog. I’m processing as I go. When I was lying in the hospital last year during the holidays, one of the things I struggled with was the knowledge that Jesus has never asked us to endure something he hasn’t experienced Himself in some form. For the life of me I couldn’t think of what life experience He had endured that was like what I was experiencing. My daughter had been visiting on Christmas Eve and she sent me this message:

“You’re amazing! I know it doesn’t seem like it to you but you are so strong! You’re doing better and better every time I see you. I get frustrated when people talk about how God is with you during this (because, duh I already know that), but I was contemplating yesterday that…He KNOWS exactly how you’re feeling. The God of the universe once stepped into a human cell cluster, waited 40 weeks to be born, struggled through infancy and toddlerhood in a body that was unable to accommodate His abilities, a body He had to teach to walk and talk after existing at the right hand of God since the beginning! A disjointed thought I know, but it still comforts me more than most of what I’ve heard. You are getting stronger every day. God IS with you, and even He has been through this. I love you!”

There it was! She found it, and it brought me so much comfort. She did it again today as we enjoyed lunch together after seeing a movie. I was telling her how discouraged I have been and that I felt like I was losing ground instead of getting better and she said, “That’s not true, Mom. I was watching you move around in the kitchen yesterday and you were using your arm more than I’ve seen you use it since this happened. You live with it everyday and so you don’t see the improvements, but they are definitely there.”

I guess all that straining forward is accomplishing something.

To sum up. I am faced with hard challenges and new opportunities. Trying new things is a intimidating. I want to do things I already know how to do. But as we’ve established most of those things are lost to me. In this new year I want to find new passions to pursue and learn and become proficient and maybe even graceful. My son volunteers at the National Ability Center in Park City, Utah. He thinks I should try the adaptive skiing. Well it would be the breeze in my face and the wind whistling past my ears. There are multiple opportunities to learn new things!

The other verse that struck me today is Romans 12:2 "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”

So, as I begin 2016, I will leave the past in the past, strain for what lies ahead and renew my thinking. I will not lose hope. I will gain confidence and press on to the upward calling of Christ Jesus. Now, to print and post this somewhere and read it everyday! Happy New Year, everyone!