The Big Ugly Cry
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. Every time I tried to pinpoint what the nagging feeling was that had worked its way up to my mind, I’d get nothing. What I knew for sure was I wanted to eat and not a hearty meal, I wanted junk. My longing for junk was clear indication that something needed to be dealt with and done so quickly.
On the ride home I began asking myself a series of questions. It was important that I got to the heart of the matter before arriving home. “What’s going on? What’s bothering you? Why are you so irritated? What will make it better? Over the years this self-care process has helped me to get clear, get answers and most importantly, get help. One the questions are posed I wait & allow the answers to come forth. Answers usually show up in the form of thoughts about a situation, person, recent experience, emotion or relationship. When tears started flowing & mumbo jumbo started coming out of my mouth, I knew I had hit something.
The answer, I was scared. Internally I was petrified about all the changes simultaneously taking place in my world. I was back at 7 years old when I would intentionally walk to school late to avoid the crowd and the bullies. I was frightened and terrified about walking alone, thinking what if a stray dog attacked me, no one is here to protect me, what if someone kidnapped, no one would see a thing; what if someone murdered me, there are no eye witnesses. Those are BIG scary things to a little girl. The major changes taking place in my life feel insurmountable at times.
My ugly cry helped me release so I could hear and be healed; that still small voice of reassurance that had faded away due to all the big scary voices. After taking several deep breaths peace, security and love enveloped me.
A few of my life long challenges have been feeling unsafe, unprotected and uncovered. Ever since I was a kid I yearned for someone outside of me to protect me, to keep me safe, to hear me, I mean truly hear me even when I was not speaking. When life felt too big, I wanted someone with me, holding my hand reassuring me that I was strong enough, smart enough and capable of overcoming whatever life presented. I wanted to feel supported and to know without an ounce of doubt that someone would defend me if need be. I know that God is and does all of those things but there are times when I get lost in life and feel disconnected, separated, unattached if you will and I have to be reconnected and reminded that there is no-thing to fear and that God is with me always, comforting me, guiding me and caring for me.
My big ugly cry was like hitting reset. The heavy energy that once permeated my space shifted to something likable, delightful and sweet. Don’t be afraid to have a big ugly cry; when you feel its onset just go with the flow and let it take you to euphoric terrains. ©2016
Until next time, make it a great day,
Cynthia
www.cynthiasnewell.com
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