I’ve Become So Numb

Samuel Roe
Jul 20, 2017 · 2 min read

An artist left the world today.

This is sad for many reasons, but a few stand out to me because of the influence Chester Bennington had on my own life. I can say with absolute certainty that I am partially alive today because of Linkin Park’s music and lyrics.

The fact that it was a suicide makes it worse somehow. I hate that he struggled so much that it brought him to this decision. I know the agony that affects those with depression, I go through it every day. I went through it a lot as a teenager especially, and the thing which kept me alive through most of that was music.

And Linkin Park was a big part of that.

I remember long nights in the dish room at my first job, an ice cream parlor both of my siblings had worked at before me. The dishwashing crew had the unique privilege of being able to listen to whatever music we wanted to, an advantage of our location in the back of the restaurant away from the patrons.

At the time I was struggling with my sexuality, with a lot of issues regarding self-identity. I clearly remember listening to “Breaking the Habit” as I filled myself with determination to do better, to change my life around and become the person I always wanted to be. I remember listening to “In the End” as I came to realize I wouldn’t measure up to the expectations of my church, and I latched onto it and let it feed the fire within me, knowing that eventually it wouldn’t matter.

And as I stood there spraying the residue off the glasses of a hundred ice cream sundaes, I lost myself completely in the lyrics of “Numb”, which to this day remains my favorite Linkin Park song, because up until that point I had never heard a song which so perfectly fit everything I was going through.

Without that song, I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve taken my own life several times over.

So to learn it was a suicide is about as tragic as I could imagine the news of Chester’s death to be. For me, he was an icon of strength, of meeting one’s darkness head on. I guess it got him in the end . . . I don’t mean this to come across as a judgment, never that, I’m simply heartbroken.

The world has lost a great artist. His message will live on in the hearts and minds of his fans, and it will influence the world for generations to come as those inspired by him will continue to spread that message through their own work.

Time and history will show him for the great man he was.

I will forever be grateful for his art.

Thank you, Chester. You will be missed.

Peace and Love,

Samuel Roe — Cynus

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