The Reason I Write

Samuel Roe
Aug 9, 2017 · 5 min read

67 days and trying not to count, but failing. I’ve always had an issue with waiting. I wouldn’t call myself generally impatient. When there’s something on the horizon which I really want to happen? I can’t keep myself from counting the days, and then the hours, and then the minutes. To be honest, I’ll probably celebrate the last ten seconds in a countdown. Quietly to myself, of course.

But there are things I’m nervous about, worries I haven’t confided in many people. I sometimes worry I won’t be able to cut it, that my finances will run out before I make it. Sometimes I wonder if I even should.

And that’s why I’m typing this now, to remind myself of why I choose to write. This might get a little personal. I’ve never cared about what people know about me, but there may be others mentioned in this article. All their names will be changed to protect their identities.

Now, here’s the question of the ages: Why do I want to pursue a career as a novelist?

We have to answer a few more questions before we can fully understand the answer to that one. The most pertinent, is the one I’m going to answer first. Why do I write?

The short answer is because I have things to tell you. By ‘you’ I mean everyone who has read, is currently reading, or will eventually read my work. I have thoughts I wish to convey to humanity. Lessons I have learned and courses I still need to take come to mind. Emotions I’ve felt. Places, people, and truths I’ve known. Ways I’ve failed and ways I’ve triumphed.

Because we all go through the same things. The particulars always differ, but we all have chances to love, to feel — to live. Our experiences help each other come to terms with experiences we may be facing for the first time, or which we’ve never fully grasped before.

The long answer is more involved. I write because of specific emotions, specific experiences . . . Not everything motivates me to communicate. Some things I don’t understand at all. Strangely, those are also sometimes the things I write about the most.

I’m a rather chaotic being, if you’ve never noticed. I have a hard time being formulaic, which may be the primary reason why I may not make it in the end. People generally care to explore the familiar, after all.

But that’s not important now. I should probably even delete that paragraph . . . Nah . . . I prefer my articles to be raw, stream-of-consciousness stuff. Yeah, fuck formality.

Mostly I write because of love. I don’t mean to sound cheesy, so please bear with me so I can give you a full explanation.

I write because I don’t understand love. Sometimes I think I feel it, but I’ve never been sure. I don’t understand what it means to be loved, either. I’ve heard the words from people, but feeling something from them? No, I don’t understand that.

I write because maybe I’m broken. When I was a child and I’d get hurt, I’d throw a tantrum so my family would pay attention to me, but when they’d hug me and try to console me I’d fight them, not wanting them to touch me. They’d leave me, not wanting to be beaten up in the process of comforting me, and I’d scream asking them “why don’t you love me?”.

Why did I do that? I don’t fully understand, to be completely honest. I’ve always been touch-sensitive, never cared for people randomly laying hands or fingers on me. I’ve never really liked hugs, though I’ve learned to appreciate them to some degree with my friends. I think I rejected the physical comfort because of this, but why did I reject the emotional comfort?

And why did I claim they didn’t love me?

To be completely transparent here, I still have no idea if my family members love me. I still don’t know what being loved feels like.

This part is getting a little long-winded, so I’ll try and condense it.

I write to understand love, because people tell me it’s important, but I don’t get it. I want it, and I don’t want it. I’ve killed every relationship I’ve ever had. And yeah, I mean me. The amount I can blame on the other party is minimal in every case. I was the one who first said the words ‘I don’t think this is going to work out’.

But did they ever really love me, anyway? Fuck. See where this gets me?

My stories often involve family issues, but not always. This is the foundation on which my own, flawed understanding of love is built.

My stories always involve friendship. It’s the form of love I understand best, and it’s my crutch.

My stories often involve romance. I don’t even know why, other than to say it might be habitual. Or, it could be that I understand this form of love the least and I’m eager to explore it. Otherwise, I don’t really have an answer.

But I do know I’m going to keep writing until I do have one.

The first time I ever engaged in some form of sex-play, I was six. It was a casual thing with a couple of kids close in my age. I remember it, and I know it wasn’t love. Physical activity definitely doesn’t generate that emotion. Not by itself, anyway.

The first time I was ever in love, or what I recognize as love, I was ten. It was beautiful. We’re going to call him ‘Socks’. Socks was a boy who had the cutest impish eyes, the most mischievous grin. I didn’t know what it was at the time. I didn’t realize it until much later, despite the turn my life took after Socks left my life.

But suffice to say, I have a knack for loving close friends and then losing them.

I’ve lost so many, and it doesn’t get any easier.

I write about love because I have lost, and will lose again, and I desperately want to cling onto them for as long as I can.

I immortalize the forgotten. I feed the ghosts.

And I celebrate the haunting with every fiber of my being.

Because those who stay are in love with something, those who reach out to you to communicate see some reason to do so . . . they have answers, if I can figure out what they’re saying.

Peace. No love tonight, sorry.

Samuel D. Roe (Cynus)

Written on 8/8/2017

P.S. — I finished a chapter today, and I got a head start on the next one. We’re moving forward.

Did you know I write fiction? Did you also know I have a Patreon and would love your support? You can find out more about both of these items here: https://www.patreon.com/Cynus

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