Hi! The Planet!

Cyrille de Lasteyrie
Jan 6 · 7 min read

Our name are Cyrille and Hervé, from France. Nobody is perfect.

We have come here to wish the planet a Happy New Year!

First and foremost, we would like to wish all of our American friends good luck for the re-election of Donald Trump, who, after all, is kind of our president too. Speaking of which, for the upcoming presidential elections, we would like to make a proposal to Congress: we propose that all of us, the rest of the world, should vote. Our voices could count for, say, 5%.

Indeed, in a globalized economy, each of your decisions has a real, direct impact on the lives of 7 billion consumers. It only seems fair that we could weigh in on the choice of your enlightened leader. Do you get what we’re saying ? And what is 5% anyway? Nothing!

Oh, Donald! It’s his signature style, especially visible on Twitter: he is the best! Our President Macron tries to compete, but gosh … what a Fucking Amateur! This good old Mr. Trump has brought prestige to the American Dream: guns, thoughts and prayers, thoughts and prayers, and guns… a clear-sighted puratinism with a discrete zest of white supremacy, guns, thoughts and prayers, a kind of elegant misogyny that would delight John Wayne and Ronald ReaGun.

And then, come on! We’re speaking directly to you, Donald. You’re good, you! You got a gift my friend! And we could really use your expertise over here. Let us explain! When it comes to Mexicans, Chicanos, Venezuelans, we Europeans don’t have much to say. But we have our own waves of migration to fight, you know how it is … except ours come from North Africa and the Middle East. There is lots of sea to discourage them but, believe it or not, it does not stop them at all.

So, we’re thinking about building a wall in the Mediterranean. A big one! The idea would be a very high wall, that would stretch from the coast of Portugal (it is a country) all the way to the shores of Israel, to Jerusalem, where you opened an embassy…

We have calculated that this wall would be four times the length of your Mexican wall. And that isn’t counting the extension you are considering in Colorado. The problem is, in some places, the depth of our wall could reach 5,000 meters, which would make our wall over 12 times taller than yours! So it’s a real challenge, somewhat bold from a technical standpoint. But you have shown us the way! You demonstrate every day that intelligence and creativity, when properly expressed, create miracles. We have seen this for a few days now with your initiatives in Iran which are truly the fruit of a humanism full of fineness and height of sight.

For 2020, dear Donald, we would still like to give you a suggestion, if you will allow us, since we are friends. We would invite you to revisit your stance just a little bit as it concerns this very bad problem of global warming.

At the rate at which the Boeing 737s fly (when they take off), we are all going to find ourselves living six months out of the year in total drought, another six months in floods and storms, and the rest of the time in devastating fires.

Think of how this complicates our choice of destination for the holidays! We mean, for us, the rich people of the planet. We’re not talking about the poor — they’re used to staying at home. We’re not talking about our African friends, either. You never know what to wish them! They have everything: sun, the Ebola virus, mosquitoes, malaria…

So yes we know, these stupid activists on bicycles ruin the fun of consuming your products, your oil, your hamburgers, your superhero movies and your monthly subscription porn sites. But it still seems to us that we should try to do something, all together. Even if it’s only so we can keep breathing without a gas mask.

Believe us Donald, we are not your enemy : like you we are white males, heterosexuals, and like you we are therefore responsible for all this mess. We, too, are responsible for the colonization by our ancestors, the exploitation of the masses, the unchallenged domination of an unjust financial capitalism, not to mention plastic waste in the rivers of the Philippines where we have never set foot. But we’re healing ourselves, we promise, it’s sworn on the Bible. We recycle and we urinate in the shower.

Above all, we would feel terrible if we continued to ruin the life and the hopes of Greta Thunberg, this young teenager who who is no longer in school and is obliged to spend three-quarters of her life on a stupid sailboat! But careful! The little Greta is headed for a Nobel Prize ! It’s best to not get too angry with her. The girl isn’t kidding around!

That is why, for 2020, we offer you a slogan: “Make America Greta again”. It’s a gift, it’s our pleasure! You may lose a few votes in Alabama, but your approval ratings will go up in the rest of the world, and we know you will feel it.

We also want to address all the other enlightened presidents on this planet…, Kim Jung Un, Vladimir Poutine, Tchi Zing Pung, Jair Bolsonaro, Bashar el Assad, who has had a lot of work to do lately, and sorry for those we’re forgetting … Everyone, every last one of you, you are damn good influencers. We therefore invite you to do everything possible so that this year we can embark on a new revolution. We mean, in terms of terrorism.

It is high time we enter a new era, which I will call Ethical Terrorism.

All of us, we are saturated with all these truck bomb attacks. They consume energy, consume, consume…. and so obviously it causes pollution. We should encourage, across the board, the development of terrorism with bare hands — quiet terrorism, on bicycle whenever possible, to better control the carbon footprint of terrorist attacks. Ethical terrorism is also a kinder, more sustainable terrorism that does not minimize the question of surviving children’s futures. Yes, one can be a conscientious suicide bomber, it is not an oxy moron.

We therefore propose the organization of a global symposium entitled “Neo-Naziism, terrorism and dialogue”. An event that will address the question of the development of genocide that is respectful of flora and fauna, in all its diversity.

We want 2020 to be also — and this time for real — the year of the woman. The year of all women. Let us therefore recognize and thank Finland for setting an example, by including 4 women in key positions in its government, as well as a Prime Minister who is not 34 years old. They are young, which is well seen. They are beautiful, which is sexist. And they are white which is still a problem, even in Finland. But let’s not doubt that they’ll do their best next year. However, it is better to warn them, they too will soon be directly responsible for the disappearance of the damn polar bears and the melting of ice caps.

But the most important thing is elsewhere! We want to send a strong message to men around the world. Raping women is wrong! We keep telling you this, and you persist. It is bad to rape women, unless they kindly ask, but that falls into the “leisure” category. However, from listening to women, it seems this is rarely the case. Gentlemen, a woman who says no, whatever her country of origin, her age, her native language or the length of her skirt, she is a priori and despite all appearances to the contrary a woman who does not want you to slip into inside of her. Even “just to see”. If she says no, stay out, that’s common sense and it’s also, in a way, a question of manners.

This is why we invite you, males of all countries, to keep your prehistoric urges at the bottom of your pants, to see if we can make 2020 a year of dignity.

It must be! Because 2020 will also be an Olympic year.

On this occasion, every one of us, we want to have a great summer: we will want to dream and collect a lot of medals, break a lot of records. Otherwise, what is the point of coaches, sponsors, TV and pharmacists giving us everything they have?

And yes, let’s dare to say it! More medals means more doping, and more corrupt referees: you can’t have one without the other. We’ll take this opportunity to acknowledge our Russian friends. They showed us the way. But as is often the case, those who dare to innovate are not always immediately understood. To date, they have been excluded from the festivities and very poorly rewarded for their efforts. But we have no doubt they will soon become a great and inspiring force for all of us.

In the meantime, may these Tokyo Games mark a truce in the madness of the world, so that all of us can finally dream of a harmonious and peaceful world.

(moving symphonic music)

A world … A world in which 6-year-old children, from China or elsewhere, will no longer be forced to work sixteen hours a day to assemble our smartphones with their fragile little hands. Should not twelve hours be the maximum?

A world … A world in which women from all countries can keep their clitoris intact. First, because when you can find it, it does a lot of good. Second, because without wanting to stigmatize or criticize regional traditions, cutting the clitoris is a real barbarity. We don’t want to hurt anyone, but…. We couldn’t find another word.

A world … A world in which half of the world’s population, the half which does not believe in a higher power and does not force anyone to think like them, will not be subjected daily to the religious beliefs of others. Let us pray, but let us each pray at home and leave others alone. Let’s share a good meal together without pretending to know who created the dishes …

A world … A world where every person can kiss whoever he or she wants, through the orifice he or she wants, as long as it is legal, enthusiastically consented to and also, properly lubricated. We’re not animals.

A world that safeguards the ability to write a text like this, and to post it, just for the pleasure of saying we’re all here on the same boat for a few more years, and that it would be nice not to ruin the party.

So yes, to all of you people of the world and enlightened presidents of your planet, I wish you a happy new year!

(A special thank to Alicia for the finishing touches on the translation)

Welcome to a place where words matter. On Medium, smart voices and original ideas take center stage - with no ads in sight. Watch
Follow all the topics you care about, and we’ll deliver the best stories for you to your homepage and inbox. Explore
Get unlimited access to the best stories on Medium — and support writers while you’re at it. Just $5/month. Upgrade