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Image courtesy of Siora Photography

Tis the season…For disaster? For long distance trips? Putting up with family members you only see once a year?

No, not those things (though they certainly don’t help), I mean the very hectic and stressful Polyday Season™. The time of the year where I consider just signing out of Google Calendar and letting it all go.

But that’s not possible. Oh no, not with a polycule. We all know everyone celebrates their holidays differently. But how do you fairly (as possible) celebrate it with multiple partners?

This is my ‘cheer’ face

It’s that time of the year we all love to hate but some of us genuinely do love the holiday season. And hooray for them. You know the ones: aptly festive sweaters and accessories, overly cheerful holiday song humming, hand wrapped ribbon, color coded gift tags, early coordinated holiday photo postcards out just after turkey day? They were born ready for ’Tis The Season’ caroling and enjoy the ‘ challenge ‘ of finding the perfect present for all. …

You’re not a good dominant if you don’t have a way to make ends meet.
You’re not a good dominant if you’re free loading on friends or family.
You’re not a good dominant if you don’t have control of your own life.

I know that sounds harsh and comes off as elitist but it’s my honest opinion. I don’t think you can be a good submissive or friend either if you fall under these circumstances.

I can’t take anyone serious who doesn’t have their shit together. Period.

I’ve mentioned before that dominants on the prowl whose lives are a mess really irk me. I know not everyone is/can participate in kink at the level I choose to. I’m not talking about the casual kinkster (i.e. only in the bedroom types). This is in reference to the kinksters who view this as a “lifestyle”and take it more seriously as a way of their living and attempt to embrace that. …

I won’t bore you with the usual caution to not trust just anyone, no matter the size of their toybag. I will, however, share with you some things I’ve cultivated and strived for over the years to become what I consider, a Femdom of respectable caliber.

It varies greatly when we get to the specific types of dominants that are desired within the community. That’s why regardless if you’re the one spanking or being spanked, you should do your utmost to create a trusted wheelhouse of inner qualities. In case no one has said it to you plainly, know this:

Being a submissive/bottom is very dangerous.

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Image courtesy of Nadine Shaabana

Sharing is caring.

But what if you care too much to share?

You would think as a practicer of polyamory I’d fully understand and be able to execute the act if sharing my partners but it doesn’t always end up that way.

This isn’t a post about poly life.

This is a post about the female dominant life and expectations.

I’ve attended many events over the years but my most recent weekend away at a kink event made it apparent. Female dominants are expected to “share” their submissives. What I mean when I say that is if you take a look around at events you’ll notice with male dominants, there’s an air of mutual respect between them. If they see a subby girl sitting on her knees for Master they smile, nod and usually keep going. …

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Image courtesy of Melanie Wasser

My submissive is back and it’s been an adjustment for us both. I couldn’t help but chuckle softly as I was watched him express genuine over-the-top anger at the video game he was currently playing as he cursed and threw down the controller.

It made me laugh until I caught myself mid thought, ‘He needs to get a grip on his anger‘ and then it all came flooding back to me…

Over the years here, I’ve done my best to be as honest as possible without revealing too much to identify myself outside of my chosen local communities. …

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Image courtesy of wallpapersafari

Me.

The Mistress.

The Femdom wife.

The girlfriend.

The committed nesting partner.

Me.

You would think with a slew of labels like that it would really be all about me though wouldn’t it? But today as I made the same, short drive I make at least a dozen times a week from my boyfriend’s house back home to my sissy husband; windows down, sun shining, mind racing with all the things I needed to get done in just 4 hours, I asked myself a question:

What have I done for just me lately?

I know it seems like a silly thing to be asking myself but I only just realized I haven’t done anything for just myself in quite a long time. I don’t want to sit and list all the ways willingingly having three full-time partners and all their collective wants, needs, desires, and baggage in my life has taken a toll on me. I just want to acknowledge that I feel neglected by, well, myself. …

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Image courtesy of FemInEM.org

You may have heard the phrase “Toxic masculinity” a lot recently and rightfully so. It’s a reference to culturally-constructed ideals that highlight the violent, emotionally and sexually aggressive behavior perpetrated by male identified people. In my opinion this is a gendered behavior encompassing masculinity on a whole. It’s a cult mentality and it needs to stop.

Breaching into the realm of BDSM I’ve taken note on what I would describe as a mirror to that behavior among female identified kinksters, especially dominants. Patriarchy is also harmful. Just as a pendulum swings from one extreme to other, so can decorum. This is referred to as “Benevolent sexism” and it only hurts other same gendered people when exhibited by their gender peers, in this case, other females. …

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Image courtesy of Mythical Folk on Etsy

It’s the month often associated with pumpkins, the changing of the leaves, and oh yes, and trick or treat.

The month is truly a treat for those adults who decide to partake in the tradition less often talked about: Loctober.

Yes, a whole, glorious 31, non-stop, no-being-poked-in-the-back-in-the-middle-of-the-night, no boner, chastity play month. This custom, which started online, celebrates the act of locking up (usually) male genitals in a cock cage. This can be done alone or with a partner but for best results I suggest committing yourself to seeing it through, for science of course!

While this is mostly a BDSM tradition, anyone can have at it. The idea is simple: lock up your member for a dom(me) who will torture and tease you all month long without sweet release. It’s helpful to physically hand over the key to said dom(me) for an extra dose of mind fuckery. You’ll get the trick, they’ll get the treat. …

Did reading that title send a little shiver down your spine? It use to do the same for me too. When I first entered the scene many years ago (but who’s counting!), Age play wasn’t really ‘in’. It wasn’t a kink people were talking about. There were no spaces for Littles, Bigs, Middles, or those who were happy to interact with them.

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In fact, I’d go so far as to say 10 years ago Age play was quite taboo, but perhaps it was just the communities I was circling around. …

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Image courtesy of Google Images

As humans we have an innate obsession with placing labels on everything, including ourselves. Labels help give people a false sense of order and a way to separate things.

However, we aren’t things; we’re people first and heavily using labels to categorize people isn’t fair. It takes away the depth and complexity each of us hold within. It steers away from the notion that the uniqueness of our personhood is much more than a label.

Labels are for jars

When we rely on someone’s sexuality, race, socioeconomic status, locale, or other label, we simply see that person as less than in some way. This can be a subconscious thought thread but still a very real occurrence. Even still, we each have the right to be labeled and called whatever we want. But as a whole collective we should be cautious. Labels are a slippery slope to distorting the perception we have of someone. …

About

d20domme

Alt Life & Sex Coach┃ Writer ┃ Kinkster┃POC┃ Rester of ‘Bitch Face’┃ Speaker┃ Polyandrous┃Geek┃(Mostly) Friendly Neighborhood Weirdo┃Reluctant Washingtonian

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