The bigger picture of polyamory

i was researching polyamory extensively a few months ago, read all the books, psychology reports, forums, spoke with a lot of poly people and at the end i felt i know more about polyamory than people who are actually practicing it. i have eight end conclusions;

first, i feel the difference between being polyamorous and monogamous is actually larger than the gap between being straight or gay. nothing is purely black or white, but it’s an entirely different operating system from the core, and one cannot switch from one to the other at will.

second, as many poly people are saying, infinite people can give you infinite more possibilities than a single person can ever do. it’s true, the only issue is that we have only 24 hours a day, and simply no one has infinite time to maintain infinite relationships. as you start sharing your infinite love, relationships will simply suffer by time degradation (it’s simple math and physics: time is limited)

third, even if polyamory is ‘more natural’ in nature, and monogamy came later in social-evolution, it doesn’t means polyamory is more advanced. in fact, through the evolution window, if that means anything is that monogamy is the more advanced form.

forth, polyamory is trying to solve a lots of burdens of monogamy (such as cheating, or not acting on every single crush you have, etc). in the same time, it opens up a whole new world of suffering and pain. and no matter how openly are you communicating, the acts will remain facts, no matter how do you sugarcoat it, or if you speak before or after the act, it’s the same thing. jealousy and human feelings of loss won’t go away in a poly relationship, when your partner is spending the saturday night with someone else, regardless if you are talking 3 days non-stop before it or not.

fifth, the demand of a lots of honesty and non-stop open communication makes the whole poly relationship model extreme mechanical and robotic, it takes out the mystery, the fun, the surprise.

sixth, saying that monogamy is only a cultural imprint, is like saying that being straight is a cultural imprint. some people are more happy as monogamous, even if they have 100% of their choice to pick any relationship type they want.

seventh, polyamory is defined (more or less) but actual implementations are vary on a very high scale. also people change a lot. it requires a lots of detailed definition in each case, and re-evaluation of the definitions each time at every partner and as the self changes over the time…

eight, it’s kind of a privilege to be an active, continuously dating poly person. it requires a lots of time and it almost feels like a full time job. not everyone has the luxury to maintain multiple parallel non-monogamous relationships next to their work, duties, etc, some people cannot have time even for one.

i am not judging any of these relationship types, i had the option to experiment with these models (and there are many variations on each), but personally i came to that (personal) conclusion that with all of it faults, mutual voluntary monogamy is simply the only and best relationship model which works for me the best. personally, polyamory is a big turn-off for me.

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