Ranking Yu-Gi-Oh’s Millennium Items From Worst to Best
Like every person in their twenties, I often find myself daydreaming about finding an ancient Egyptian artefact with magical powers. With the stress of work, paying rent, and the ever-looming threat of my soul being sent to the shadow realm as a result of losing a children’s card game — it’s easy to get caught up in fantasies like wielding a power older than time itself or someday owning my own home.
In the time I’ve spent thinking about this (every shower I’ve had for the last 20 years) I’ve had time to ponder which of the Seven Millennium items are actually good and which ones are low-tier trash. I’ll be ranking these based on usefulness in real life and not any benefits they grant you in the Yu-Gi-Oh trading card game (which, being a trading card game, is for dorks).
I hope that this guide will help you to correctly assess your own options if you’re ever presented with one of these dark treasures.
#7: The Millennium Puzzle
Yeah, you read that correctly. While the Millennium Puzzle is definitely the most well known of the Millennium Items, it is also by far the worst.
Unlike all the other Millennium Items, the Puzzle does not come pre-assembled. You have to put it together yourself which is a total drag! After you’re finished with that ordeal, you now have the power to be possessed by the spirit of an ancient Egyptian pharaoh who is far more likeable than you and also way hotter. Congrats pal, you just became the sidekick of your own life.
#6: The Millennium Ring
The Millennium Ring has the power to always point to the thing you most desire. This sounds pretty good at first, after all, you could use it to collect all the other Millennium Items, right?
WRONG.
First of all, knowing where something is does not mean that you’re able to get it! I know where the Mona Lisa is — but I’d have to spend a tonne of money on a ticket to Paris to get anywhere near it, and the shame of a failed high-stakes art burglary is just not something that I can deal with again.
The Ring’s “compass” that points you to what you desire uses an extremely crude, 5-point system which would be absolutely terrible if you desired anything more than a couple of blocks away. Finally, it contains the spirit of the thief Bakura who frankly seems like a bit of a dick and has the ability to take control of your body.
#5: The Millennium Scale
The Millennium Scale has the power to find out how much darkness is in someone’s heart. It can also to fuse two monsters together. In short, it is completely useless. The only reason that this doesn’t rank dead-last is that it won’t get you possessed by a spooky Egyptian ghost who can control your body (ew!). NEXT!
#4: The Millennium Eye
This item allows the user to read other peoples minds — which is the first useful ability on the list. However, it loses points because you have to sacrifice one of your eyeballs to get it — leaving you with one solid-gold eye which will most likely NOT complement your aesthetic or skin tone at all.
The power to read minds seems great at first glance, but the sad truth is that most people’s thoughts would be incoherent and boring. With that said, there are some specific circumstances when it would come in handy, for example, if you were employed as a Las Vegas card shark, or non-Las-Vegas soothsayer.
Additionally, the Eye grants the ability to trap peoples souls inside of cards, which is a pretty tacky move tbh and probably a crime. Definitely not recommended.
#3: The Millennium Rod
By far the most terrible looking of all the Millennium Items, the Millennium Rod has the ability to control people’s minds and make them do your bidding. This one definitely loses points for how stupid you’ll look carrying it around as you ride the bus, pay taxes etc, but it has the most practical power on the list so far.
Importantly, the ability to influence other people to do your bidding would be useful in ways you could benefit from ~financially~ like getting a bank teller to give you a bunch of money, or making a night guard at The Louvre to help you steal a priceless piece of art…
#2: The Millennium Key
For some baffling reason, the Millennium Key lets you step into peoples minds, allowing you to read their thoughts AND ALSO control their mind. Let’s face it, this one is definitely the creepiest item on the whole list — but it’s got the powers of the Eye and Rod combined while managing to look cooler than both of them. You won’t need to sacrifice your eyeball to use it, but you will sacrifice your ability to look at yourself in the mirror and see a good person looking back.
#1: The Millennium Necklace
Now, this is what I’m talking about.
Finally, a Millennium Item that you can bring with you that doesn’t make you look like a weird magician (not to be confused with a dark magician, which would be very sexy and cool!). The Millennium Necklace gives you the power to see into the past AND future.
This is obviously the best item because you could basically use it to make a TONNE of money by creating a sports almanac of every game that’s going to be played in the next 45 years. Plus, seeing into the past would be dope! You could finally figure out if dinosaurs had feathers or not (all the experts agree that they did, but then why do cartoon dinosaurs still look the same as always??).
All in all — I hope these rankings allow you to make a more informed decision if you are ever presented with the opportunity to acquire dark and mysterious powers via an ancient relic. If you do find one, good luck!
Do me proud by using it for boring adult reasons like tax evasion — and not to enhance your ability to play the Yu-Gi-Oh card game. After all, nobody likes a cheater!!