A letter to my dad

We met for the first time in ooooh….three years this last Christmas. A stupid mistake on my part, a couple of misunderstandings later and boom. We put the walls up.

Anyhoo. As I get ready for the next adventure I bought a birthday card in advance. I’m taking it with me because US birthday cards are crap. And then I thought I’d write the old fella a letter.

I’ve no idea if he’ll get it. I’ve no idea if he’ll make it to his birthday. But it sure felt good saying what I did. So just in case he is no longer around or something unforseen happens with me I thought it would be interesting to put it up on the interwebs.

I know he wont see it because my dad isn’t connected. His is a world that is rapidly fading away. Here goes:

Dear Dad

It must seem odd getting a birthday card with a letter dated 26th Feb but as I write this, I’ve no idea if we’ll have a printer at the apartment.

In fact, even now as we get ready to hump six suitcases into a cab for the airport, I don’t know if we’ll get into the apartment. There are a million rules about getting an electricity supply from the only company that provides power to however many people live the San Diego metro district. Without the magic electricity account number — we don’t get a key to the place.

That would be rather embarrassing seeing as one of my business partners has booked to bring his wife and kids to stay for a holiday in July. I’ll update this as soon as we know what the fuck is going on.

One thing’s for sure, this is going to be one heck of an adventure. I’ve already discovered a dozen or so ways the American ‘system’ can piss you off. Starting with the half acre of trees that must be felled to make all the paperwork you need before you can open a bank account.

Then there’s the fact you never know what crap they’ve put in the food because food labelling is a joke. Or rather it would be a joke if its wasn’t for the fact that Monsanto, a giant chemical company, seems quite keen on poisoning the population with all the crap they spread on farmland in the name of efficiency.

I suppose the good news is that knowing I’ve become something of a fat bastard, the food thing might mean I stand a good chance of losing some weight. That and the stand up desk I foolishly ordered. Or maybe not seeing as we are strategically located within five minutes staggering distance of a brewery that serves rather good beer.

I suppose if things go tits up on the apartment thing then we can do what the rest of the homeless people do in downtown San Diego and throw a blanket in a disabled person’s parking space. That might seem like tempting fate but in the US, if you’re disabled you probably can’t get motor insurance so can’t drive a car anyway.

Yessir…them homeless folk might be a pain in the ass at times but they know stuff you and I can barely dream about.

Anyhoo — thanks for the birthday cards. They’re much appreciated after something of a hiatus. And yes, a bit strained I know, but it was good to see you at Christmas looking in far better shape than I feel most days.

I sometimes wonder how the heck I ever managed to reach the age of 62 and still love doing what I do. But then I made that promise 20 plus years ago about only doing shit that makes me happy. And it was rather nice to have the fella that does my hair stare in disbelief yesterday when I told him how old I am. Vanity…

Now if I can lose weight and kick the fags then perhaps I’ll get to reach your age. Who knows?

And it’s always good to see that you are looking after yourself and managing to get out and about. It beats the crap out of staring at the TV all day.

In the meantime Paddy is driving down the road rather absentmindedly and crunches in to Hymie. Quick as a flash he jumps out the car and asks a rather shaken looking Hymie if he’s OK.

Hymie motions that he is and Paddy offers him a swig of whiskey from his hipflask. After a good slug of Scotch, the colour returns to Hymie’s cheeks and he asks: “Well Paddy, what are we going to tell the police when they get here?”

“I wouldn’t be knowing but then I’m not the one who’s drinking.”

Have a great day dad and many more to come.