Groundhog’s D82f3

I wake up, the world is whole again, and I am sane.

No magma-spewing cracks, no wave of lightning bolts descending in concert from the sky, no moon falling toward earth. My thoughts feel ordered; I can count to ten, and I’m oriented in person and place, if not exactly time. The disasters, external and internal, have receded, or been undone; or have once again not yet begun.

I give myself a pinch, out of habit more than anything, and engage my mind with the pain. There’s not a ton of time for formal mindfulness and meditation, but I can always spare a minute at the start of the day for a little physiological check-in: how are my nerves, am I hungry or thirsty or sick this time, are my feet ready for a trek, is my head in the game?

If I’m not doing too well, that’s good and acceptable information. There are always books to read, or plans to consider further. Not every day among these endless days has to be a desperate attempt to prevent the nigh-inevitable. Sometimes, I’m allowed to play small ball, and rest my talent for the next game before the darkness or the madness creeps in.

Today, I’m feeling good. If I need to, I can run between the supercomputer facility and the tech lab where Berkeley’s latest material science research is performed. And I feel sharp enough that I won’t be caught up in conversations with security guards or undergrads for more than a minute or two along the way, and just maybe I’ll be conscious when everything is destroyed. Things are as they should be.

I put my hair into a ponytail and start walking toward the office of my grad advisor. He’ll be here, and he’ll have a few words to say to me, whether now or at the height of my interaction with the material science folks. There are minor annoyances which are somehow unavoidable, even with the wisdom and foreknowledge of a dozen repetitions of the same doomed day. When I see him, he’ll be hurt, saddened, dismayed, and all the rest, by my decision to go prove something truly within human control. Even though he had probably read Einstein, and knew a little bit about the difference between predictive philosophy and wild ring-leading.

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* * *

I wake up, the world is whole again, and I am sane.