You know that feeling when you find someone? You’re stumbling through life and all of a sudden there they are. And you recognize them so clearly you don’t even have to ask who they are. Or why they’re there.
“I crossed an ocean of words
And I found you.”
So much of our lives are spent communicating and building relationships and connections with those around us. But every now and then that person comes along and words fall short. You speak in eye contact, soft touches and smiles. You share stories and the characters that give them meaning. You don’t remember all the names she says, but you remember the way she says them, with kindness or a laugh, or an eye roll. You take notes. You learn every look she owns. Every tone of voice. You find every scar. Every perfect blemish. You know how every fingertip feels when it’s pressed against your skin. You learn every angle of their face and it’s so…so damn bright. Everything around them is. Longfellow wrote of “two ships passing in the night” but she’s a lighthouse. The beacon that shined through moonless nights. That saved you from the rocky shores threatening to dash you into all those pieces you’ve put back together time and time again.
“Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view”
Eventually a part of you starts to dream. The love leads you into a place, inside of yourself, that you rarely visit. And you find them waiting there to hold your hand and walk and explore all of the possibilities. All of the overgrown paths that hid flowers start to bloom again. The woods aren’t so dark anymore. Sunlight filters through the treetops and you see her dancing through the beams. You make it to a clearing and, at a distance, just beyond the hills, you see the rest of your lives together.
Is always today.”
And then somewhere along the line things just…don’t work out. It’s no ones fault. Maybe they reached too far and you didn’t reach far enough but you fell short together. Life happens. We change. We grow. We go our separate ways. But…how do you forget about that light? There are some things you just can’t unsee. The face in all your future plans is always theirs and nothing else fits. No one else looks right. No one else feels right. And worse, the thought of even finding a new face seems impossible. You don’t want to. You can’t.
“I’ll fall asleep in your branches,
You’re the only thing I ever want anymore.”
The thought of starting over again can be so exhausting. So energy consuming. So…terrifying. How do you let someone in to all those secret places. How do you tell all those stories again. How do you find those laughs and smiles. How do you allow yourself to feel another touch or find comfort in another dream.
I don’t think I have an answer right now. I’m not sure there is one. I’m not sure I want one. Or need one. Time moves as it will and I learned long ago it’s better to let it find its own way. You walk confidently as you can. You stumble where you might. And you just keep moving.
“Perhaps life is just that…a dream and a fear.”