Dear Eric Trump, Have you considered hunting mythological beasts instead?
Dear Eric Trump,
I’ve noticed you’re a great hunting enthusiast. It’s so wonderful that you have a hobby—people that don’t have a non-work related passion in life often fall into bad habits, like drugs, or overeating, or human trafficking. Best thing about your hobby? You’re not harming anyone except the occasional animal! I just had one teeny suggestion for you. I’ve noticed that you have a preference for hunting endangered or near-endangered species. I realize it’s hard to believe that an entire type of animal could just disappear. How could that even happen! Turns out, though, that two-thirds of all animal species are set to go totally extinct in the next few years. That’s 66.6% to you and me! So I was trying to think of a solution for you, so you could keep engaging in an activity that you truly enjoy, but not contribute to that whole mass-extinction thing, because I know you would hate to be an unwitting enabler in injustice, right? So at first, I thought, you could hunt animals that aren’t headed for extinction, like deer, or geese. But then I thought, no, you’re a Trump, and Trumps like things to be special, so I came up with a great idea: mythological beasts!
I know what you’re thinking: Um, mythological beasts don’t exist? So how could I hunt them? But you know what, mythological beasts exist for those who choose to believe! There are many instructions in folklore for catching a unicorn, pinning down the wings of a hippogryph, or trapping a wild chimera. Trick is, you’ve got to have faith. Think about it. No one thought your dad could win the election, but he believed, and now look who has egg all over their faces! More than half the voting public! You just need to capture a little of Dad’s magical fairy dust in a crystal vial, enter a deep, dark forest, and sprinkle it all over yourself when none of your trackers are looking. And then what? Then you just *imagine*, and the beast of your dreams will come before you. Make sure to bring various magical weaponry too, silver bullets, jewel-encrusted swords, bows and arrows hand-crafted by the gods, etc., so that when the beast comes, you’ll be prepared.
Thanks for listening, Eric. I know you’re going to be amazing.
With all best wishes,
Yours very sincerely,