The Fear Challenge
How does fear relate to internal freedom? My fascination with this all stemmed from writing my anti-poem: Wabi-Sabi.
“This is VdaisyB, Kansas City native, Angeleno wannabe,” I opened my radio talk show this way every week at Loyola Marymount University.
One morning, in that tiny room with sound boards and record labels, I sat with a girl who called herself “G.”
I invited her on because of the energy I felt when I met her just days before. Yes, I am that person.
While the details are a bit fuzzy four years later, I remember she was from China. She’d been attending boarding school in California for four to five years before college began, facing catty girls and puberty without her home and family.
Being on her own was nothing new, and it showed. She fearlessly radiated joy. Her magnetic energy was unusual and it made me want to be as proud to be me as she was proud to be G.
We trickled into a conversation about art and how I write and she sings. We met somewhere in the middle at spoken word poetry — something I listen to and she knew much more about than me.
Conveniently, she was hosting a poetry slam in a few days. This should not have come as the shock that it did for me.
Two things I don’t (or didn’t) do: poetry and poetry slams. She insisted I perform a piece at the event. I browsed my mental inventory of excuses before blurting out ‘yes.’
And I’m so glad I did.
I considered canceling the night before when I had three unfinished and less-than-poetic poems. And yet, I found myself leaning against an unstable wooden stool reading this Wabi-Sabi poem in front of a decent-sized crowd the next evening.
Comforted only by the smell of croissants and London Fogs from the Lion’s Den next door, I read my poem with sweaty hands.
What I realized in my brief two minutes on stage was that I had this set definition of myself —a definition I was breaking by being on stage that night. Think of it as a list of do’s and don’ts. ‘I do write, I do not write poetry. I do read, I do not read my work out loud. I do fun things, I do not take big risks like being vulnerable in crowds.’
I’d unconsciously built a pretty picket fence of rules around me to protect some emotional self that feared judgment and change.
This was an odd realization being at a university halfway across the nation from home where I didn’t know anyone. I’d previously considered myself somewhat fearless, to be honest.
The way I felt reading out loud was similar to the fluttery, light, tickle my stomach and arms feel when I jump off of a cliff into a big body of water.
I was swing dancing with Fear, having a soiree with Uncomfortable and welcoming Risk into my home we call heart. I realized that Fear is a great partner to swing dance with, Uncomfortable makes a soiree quite interesting and Risk is a fun house guest as long as she doesn’t overstay her welcome.
It only takes one experience to tear down one picket on that fence to realize how walled in we can be. We build fences to protect our fears and we end up shutting down opportunities, punishing ourselves for considering that things might just work out.
We so often kill the fire before it’s aflame.
That energy I loved and wanted that G had (and still has) was from her ability to let herself be uncomfortable. She was fearlessly radiating joy because she wasn’t so busy punishing herself out of fear of what others might think of her.
I call myself a writer and I shudder (still) at the idea of my work being read aloud to an audience. So, this is for those of you who have a beautiful voice but shudder at the idea of singing. And those of you who don’t know what you do yet, it’s worth trying new things to find out.
What G did for me, I’d love to do for you. Give it a shot because this big waspy “internal freedom” I speak of is a vast concept that’s much better when felt yourself.
The Fear Challenge
- Write down five things that scare you.
- Pick two that you can physically do.
- Do one.
Share this with someone who you think needs this, deserves this, wants this, or pretty much anyone you think of.
