What addiction recovery is NOT…

My head was pounding. I reached over to turn the volume down on the car stereo. “I’m so tired of listening to this EDM stuff!” I thought to myself.

I didn’t dare express my discontent with the driver. The three of us in the car were hungry, tired, and crashing. I knew that we could erupt into an argument at any minute.

I returned to scrolling Grindr. We were on a mission to find someone selling crystal. The guy in the back and I were rapid-fire messaging in desperation. The driver relocated to different areas of the city to ‘drop our pin’ so the app could cover more area.

This was closer to the end of my active addiction. The focus for me at that time wasn’t using crystal for sex, but a general need for survival. The three of us ‘needed’ three injections per day. And, if we were lucky, we would buy food.

It was the middle of a sunny spring day. We were driving through uptown Charlotte, NC. I happened to look away from my phone screen and observed a familiar scene:

It was lunchtime and masses of business folks were bustling up and down the streets. I laughed to myself as I was reminded of the Charlotte informal dress code for men: blue polo and tan pants.

A little over two years prior, I was one of these people. Just then, I remembered sitting alone during my lunch break lamenting about how boring my life had become and how I wanted to break free from the ‘matrix’. I caught my reflection in the sideview mirror; sunken cheeks, shaved head, red sores, empty eyes.

What I wouldn’t give to be back in my polo and chinos.

That’s the day I understood the concept of Contrast and how important it is to life.

Contrast exists everywhere you look; day/night, cold/hot, winter/summer, etc. We must experience one to appreciate the other.

— A bad day helps us appreciate the good ones.

— A toxic relationship defines what we don’t want.

— A loud city gives us more solace when we are in the country.

— A rock bottom in addiction grants us newfound gratitude.

And so, the contrast of living life with drug addiction allowed me to fully understand what I had given up.

As I see conflict arising within the recovery community, I tend to use the lens of contrast to help find clarity and my truth. The major debate that I’m seeing is defining the word “sober” and the relevancy of sobriety routes outside of the traditional 12 Steps.

Instead of proclaiming my thoughts on these specific issues, I’d like to zoom out, using contrast to reflect on what I think Recovery is NOT. How better to define a concept than to identify the contrast of it?

To add some framework, I believe Sobriety and Recovery are two unique states of being. Sobriety = Substance/Behavior free while Recovery is the pursuit of Self-Actualization.

Practicing self-actualization is the continual striving to reach your full potential. This means persistent growth and improvement.

My view is that if we are in Recovery, the argument over what sober means and how to achieve it immediately collapses.

Recovery is NOT…

…being static and stuck in the same beliefs and behaviors;

…the inability to accept others or themselves as they are;

…being fearful and/or resistant to new ideas, philosophies, and people;

…conforming to other people’s ideas of what you should / shouldn’t do;

…being codependent on groups or other people in order to regulate your emotions;

…being closed off to unconventional philosophies or ideals;

…viewing relapse as a negative experience, instead as one of learning;

…shaming or guilting others as a method to help them stay sober;

…judging others for accepting a definition of sober that doesn’t match your own;

…living life in an emotionally activated state without effort to look inward;

…lacking and refusing to increase self-awareness.

Considering what Recovery is not, are you simply living without the substance or are you pursuing self-actualization?