October 2019

When my review of the whole of 2019 is being written, I hope October is the darkness just before dawn. October was dark, especially at work.
I have been with the same employer all my career. I started working there on January 2, 2012. That’s a solid 7 years and 9 months and never have I felt such a deep need for us to part ways. This month, I came to the conclusion that I could never give my best for the firm anymore. I am tired, I am weak, I am drained, I am exhausted.
I have never been afraid to give my best, put in extra hours, be the first one in and the last one out, but when your best efforts are consistently being derided, and you’re constantly being gas lighted, and doubting yourself, it’s better to channel those efforts someplace else.
My October was riddled with severe bouts of anxiety. I struggled to concentrate while studying and even when I did, it was almost impossible to retain new information. I would sit in my office and would be sweating profusely while the AC was blowing directly atop my head. I lost appetite and struggled to eat once a day. Every Sunday, I was already looking forward to Friday. It was a terrible loop.
I also put a lot of expenses on hold this month. Hopefully I can fire on all cylinders in November.
Like I mentioned before, studying in October was waaaay more difficult than all prior months. Even though someone new joined the team at work, I had to prepare quarterly reports and deal with all the backlash that came from the realized losses.
For many years in my teens, I read Mario Puzo’s The Godfather and one of the things that stuck with me the most was this quote
“Tom, don’t let anybody kid you. It’s all personal, every bit of business. Every piece of shit every man has to eat every day of his life is personal. They call it business. OK. But it’s personal as hell. You know where I learned that from? The Don. My old man. The Godfather. If a bolt of lightning hit a friend of his the old man would take it personal. He took my going into the Marines personal. That’s what makes him great. The Great Don. He takes everything personal Like God. He knows every feather that falls from the tail of a sparrow or however the hell it goes? Right? And you know something? Accidents don’t happen to people who take accidents as a personal insult.”
I don’t quite know if this holds for me. I still believe it so much but mahn, I was insulted this month 😂😂😂. Guys I sat with and joked with got the effrontery to chat shit about portfolio performances given the resources that were available to work with. My “friend” was the worst, but yeah, no padi for jungle. Lesson learnt. We move.
The new guy in the team seems decent. No padi for jungle. I’ve started doing my work like I won’t be here for much longer. I think I have tried. I’ve been burnt out for months, it’s only natural to need some downtime.
I’m thankful for the few people who listened while I ranted, the ones who reached out cos they saw the thinly veiled pains in my tweets, the ones who tried to link me up with recruiters and those who said prayers and other kind words.
I hope the rest of the year is much much better. I hope it’s dawn, and October was that darkest darkness before dawn. 1 win has come in early November, I’m hoping the other 4 I want this year all come in, 2 per month will be great.
I don’t recall watching any movies in November, I however played too much FIFA cos I was always cooling off.
Come on November! Let’s finish this CFA prep.
