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After a test of the Presidential Alert system on Wednesday morning reached U.S. mobile phones across the nation, rumblings from the White House signaled a problem. After being denied a squirrel, the President insisted that FEMA hand over what he described as the “spectacular, miraculous, glorious golden laptop” which sends messages that everyone must read.

“I must have this spectacular device,” Trump screamed at White House Chief of Staff John Kelly. “My old Twitter is broken and useless. I WANT MY ALERT SYSTEM.”

For hours, the switchboard at the Federal Emergency Management Agency has been lit with every color of…

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In a shocking strategic pivot, Donald Trump took to Twitter on Friday accusing Robert Mueller of sexually assaulting him. Embattled by investigations into Russian influence swaying his 2016 election as well as his Supreme Court nominee’s qualifications, Trump courageously came forward about his rape by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

Coming as a shock to his loyal constituents who largely don’t believe in rape–likening it to unicorns or immigrants capable of moral decisions–Trump related a nightmarish attack on top of the Oval Office desk.

“He came into the Oval and leaned back against the door, locking it behind him. I knew…

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Key sectors drip with flavor,
For the indigent to savor,
The table is set,
For the appetites we’ve whet.

Health & utilities,
Retail facilities,
Delicious minerals,
And delectable non-durables.
Oil futures and gold, the Euro and Yen,
All taste quite delicious, filling like hen.

Alas for poor Tavanish,
Who’ll stay fairly ravenous,
He picked out a tech stock,
Performing like a flaccid cock.

“Mum, there’s not too much meat,
For poor me to eat,
on this Tesla’s bones,”
young Tavanish moaned.

He scraped the tech company,
around on his plate.
“You’ll eat what you’re given,
Or you’ll share its fate!”

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The Los Angeles Police Department Code of Conduct Has Been Reduced to ‘Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be the Whole of the Law’

Los Angeles, CA — In order to modernize an outdated code of conduct that didn’t properly reflect current ethics standards, Los Angeles police departments have been rolling out updates that comply with Thelemic Law. The change is intended to boost morale in the face of criticism by eliminating any confusing pretense of protecting or serving.

The strong appeal of Thelema’s sexual magick to law enforcement became clear after Steve Sobroff, President of the Los Angeles Board of Police Commissioners, reviewed a study correlating wanton police violence with heightened libido. …

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Louisville, KY — Professor Paws, golden Labrador and darling of the Parker family, has waged an exhausting war to defend the couple and their two infant children from dark forces. While Paws’ antics serve as amusement for the oblivious family he would gladly lay his life down for, ancient powers beyond their imagining hunger for their blood and skin.

As their youngest daughter Tandy clapped and gurgled at Paws’ funny barking on Wednesday evening, spectral claws extended toward her from an entity that has only known madness in its eons of existence. …

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Washington, DC — The flag sitting atop the White House returned to half staff on Monday in remembrance of John McCain’s service to the nation once senior aides successfully explained human mortality to President Trump. A lesson long overdue, it was delivered on a mixture of media favored by Trump including whiteboard illustrations and a Sesame Street special about grieving.

The President initially rejected attempts to educate him about the cycle of life, forcing aides to repeatedly pick up their whiteboards as his tantrum escalated. While early efforts to explain what occurs when a bullet traverses through a human heart…

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The recent erasure of all Netflix film and television reviews has left its most stalwart reviewers feeling bereft and listless. Long accustomed to wielding the awesome power of shaping opinion for late night streamers and Tinder enthusiasts on the streaming platform, rogue critics have found themselves adrift in a cold and uncaring world. As days go by, these itinerant pundits search for new meaning.

While Netflix indicates that declining usage of the feature ultimately shaped their decision, some vagabond theorists suggest darker motives are at work.

“They couldn’t tolerate giving us one iota of control over our lives,” local Subway…

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WASHINGTON D.C. — President Trump delivered a surprise press conference on the White House lawn this morning in response to nationwide prisoner protests over unfair conditions. He decried the source of the peaceful protests, citing the removal of ancient magical wards against “spreading darkness”. Citing the numerous examples of citizens’ groups and politicians “taking a big fat eraser and removing our historical shields against barbarism,” Trump suggested that we made this bed, now we get to lie in it.

Clutching a small figure of Robert E. Lee carved from soapstone, he explained to the nation that statues of Confederate war…

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CAPE TOWN — An Internet pedophile ring with a measly 1,000 members — small fries in the world of the sexually monstrous — has been uncovered and pillaged by an exponentially larger pedophile ring with global reach. Taking matters into their own hands when law enforcement failed to uncover the cabal of perverts, the larger ring freed 12-year-old Daniel Burroughs from his cheap rope bindings and replaced them with high quality manacles on Friday.

Tipped off about the smaller ring by a grizzled police veteran who had been ignored for years about a cover-up by his superiors, the larger conspiracy…

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Actress, model, television host, and anti-vaccine activist Jenny McCarthy has come out publicly against technology in a statement made at the most recent TACA conference after having discovered a rumored link between sandbox video game Minecraft and autism.

“I’ve been educated on the science behind it. The numbers are just as significant and legitimate as with vaccines if not more so and so we should be taking it just as seriously. And we don’t believe it’s only the Minecraft. It’s the technology behind these games that has become such a poison. Think about all the machines an infant child is…

Damian

Satirist / Hamburger Wrangler / Sexual Maven

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