What a waste.

Maybe I set my targets too high. When destined to miss I’ll just flake, but that doesnt make missing them any easier to handle. Its disappointing. There are so many things I want to achieve. My drive and motivation is like a roller coaster. Dips and dives, rushes and climbs, thrills, chills and loops abound. I really wish I could maintain some consistency, some focus. Easier said than done. I want to paint a masterpiece but wont sit in the studio and work at it. I want to write a novel but find inspiration waning around 4k. I want to be the best I can be in all I do but don’t commit to the ritual of practice that can make the great become so. In that respect Im my own worst enemy.

My Mum recently told me to be kinder to myself. My partner tells me to stop beating up her boyfriend. What few friends I have tell me I should do this or that and for some reason their suggestions can often instantly erase my drive. I love them all to pieces but can’t help feeling I’m often being misunderstood in my aims, my desires and my needs.

My Dad is the worst for some of this too. He listens without hearing. His complacency with his lot in life numbs me. I know he wants better for me, that much is plain to see, sadly though, we don’t seem to understand each other as much as we’d both like. We probably frustrate the hell out of each other. Him in his bubble and me poised with the pin trying in vain to pop it. Me in my struggles and him wanting to help without doing. His unchanging routine that no spanner I throw in the works will satisfactorily alter. Me and my outlook running contrary to that which he is accustomed to and him wanting to alter it to be in line with his while also trying to understand and accept it, seems a doomed endeavour. He has left me more than once, but now I chose to be here since he has no one anymore. And this puts the shoe on the other foot because, while I feel he needs me, I feel it might be time for me to move on. Me doing the leaving this time. It feels weird to even contemplate. Soon I must decide. Neither route will be easy to navigate, I’m still weighing up the pros and cons. But i dont think that either choice will lead me closer to my targets and…

I just watched a fly trying to bathe in my coffee. What a waste.