Allow me to clarify.

There is a non-zero chance facebook will resurrect your profile after you die.

Shay, one of my most prodigious facebook friends recently began sharing with stunning consistency and frequency. It started with vine videos almost on the hour. Short and humorous. Shay gained my attention and a few likes.

Then came the Centel posts. They weren’t overt advertisements per say, she was just letting us know Centel was hiring, and she was letting us know often. After every third vine, but before the next “Black Hair Share”, was a teaser video for the film “Dear White People”. White people are nice, but who posts the same trailer four times in a day?

It was clear to me this was the work of a machine.

Was Shay dead, or locked in a cellar? Did she need our help?

I considered organizing a posse. Which would be cool because posse’s have lanterns and shotguns and hats and probably a mustache.

So I checked my email, then twitter, then okcupid, then remembered that I didn’t need to check okcupid because I’d already checked my email, and if anyone messaged me I would’ve seen it there. A tumorous lump of dissatisfaction throbbed in my gut so I hit hacker news and reddit out of muscle memory. Reddit always reminds me that I should be working and also that reddit is a stupid, stupid place.

Fortunately, facebook logged the entire sequence through their minefield of embedded “share” buttons. When I pass away it’ll be easy to convincingly recreate my browsing habits, and infer all sorts of things about what I may have shared. As far as the internet is concerned, it’ll be like I never left.

The good news is that at this point most of my friends will be dead. We’ll all be together again! Our ethereal, timeless avatars posting exciting tidbits of link-bait to clarify our digital identity.

Which McMeaties bacon-infused cheeseburger are you?

Which distended cat anus best describes your personality?

A very good one I am sure. You are a unique and glorious flower amongst a sea of gray weeds. Your friends will admire you, and you’ve learned something important about yourself.

So facebook will fist your floppy muppet corpse to sell Monsanto burgers to your descendants. Worse things have happened… probably.

Last I heard the legal FB entity said they’d do no such thing, and that just such a thing would be very bad. But we’ve learned from past experience that this is code for, “we’ll do that as soon as society slides further into complacency… We’ll do lot’s of things.”

In the meantime let’s enjoy some healthy diversion while they clear the JIRA list for The Easter Jesus Algorithm. The time is nigh.