Unisex Bathrooms and Why I Need a New Superpower

Assuming you identify as a man, you probably have played the “what superpower would you have?” game. You know, the one where you argue over super-strength or the ability to fly? I always choose invisibility. It creatively covered all the other superpowers. You can’t win a fight against a guy you can’t see regardless of who is the strongest. You could just sneak onto a plane and fly, for free, anywhere you wanted to go. Money? Just walk into a bank and take what you need. Sure reading minds would be cool — but listening in…so much better. And then there’s the “big one.” That dream every adolescent boy has — a tour of the girls’ locker room. And by tour I don’t mean checking out the decor.

Oh, don’t get all high-and-mighty. Boys, well and men, have a natural curiosity in matters of the female form. Evident in the billion dollar porn industry. Evident in that every new cable show lures us in with nudity. Evident in that the most viral links are those of nude celebrities. For some reason we are supposed to act like at a certain age we can be mature about boobies. That in the presence of a nude or partially dressed stranger, one should avert their eyes. I hear they do that in Europe.

I try to be stoic in such matters. Like when I’m watching television with my spouse and there is a nude scene. I sit, as I imagine a medical professional might — expressionless, all business, feigned disinterest. Of course, in my head, I’m still fifteen, all full of glee over the mysterious beauty that is the female form.

But fuckin’ kids today get all the breaks. Not only are these young men sleeping with hot school teachers in record numbers, not only is a hook-up as easy as swiping left…or is it right…but now, NOW, they’ve taken away my superpower…or the one I wanted. They don’t need to be invisible to reach the hallowed grounds of the Ladies Room, be it locker or restroom. They can just walk right in. The password, a simple phrase,…I identify as a women. Bastards!

Am I a pervert for such thoughts? Am I emotionally stunted that I can’t be “adult” about simple matters of the human body? Do I have plans to visit the ladies room for a quick peek? Maybe to the first, yes to the second, and no to the third. I’m an experienced, adult male and I know, for certain, nothing kills the allure of the female form quicker than the reality of what goes on in the restroom. I’d prefer to believe women never shit and to live under the illusion that they only wear undergarments from Victoria’s Secret. Come to think about it, maybe we should allow adolescent boys in the girls’ room — perhaps the little prelude will reduce teenage pregnancy.

Honestly, though, when I first heard of such a thing, when I saw Target was on board, when I heard the President suggest high schools must allow it, I thought, “certainly we jest.” I mean we’re not really advocating such “peepshow” access, are we? I know many are angry. I’m not. I’m in awe. It’s like watching your drunk friend proceed just after he’s uttered the words, “come on, it will be great, what could go wrong?” You just smile and nod, fully aware of all the hilarious possibilities of “what,” in fact, will go “wrong.”

So, I’ve had to find a new wish-list superpower. I think I’m going with “common sense” because in the world of fools, it will make you king.

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