Terrorism Funding Turns To Carwashes, Lemonade Stands And Girl Scout Cookies
With ISIS losing resources and finances because of the joint forces led by the US, they have begun raising funds under “charitable” businesses.
On Tuesday, it was reported that lemonade stands had been cropping up around Damascus. Three reasons they appeared suspicious:
- Run by grown men instead of children
- Poor customer service as they were forcing lemonade onto people and making them “pay with their lives” if they didn’t support them
- Heavy firearms were kept under the stands
As the government rounded up the dangerous stands, the terrorists proceeded with a backup plan; going door to door selling Girl Scout cookies. Although charitable at first, things went downhill when locals learned they weren’t carrying thin mints. They only had rejected Girl Scout cookie flavors.
In a last ditch effort to raise funds, they began opening up car washes around some of the local retail stores. What they thought was going to be a big hit turned into a disaster. Cars people brought in were dirty to the point of “no return.” They were covered in inches thick of soot and dirt, and terrorists exhausted themselves only washing four cars in a full day. They were berated by customers as lines were backed up for blocks to have their cars clean.
Feeling depressed and running out of options and energy, the terrorists have taken a temporary hiatus to come up with a financial solution to their problems. Let’s hope they see being a terrorist is the problem.
*No terrorists were funded with the writing of this article.*
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