How to Stay Sane While Losing Your Mind Working from Home
As an author I’m super used to working at home and not seeing another living soul for weeks.
But billions of people around the world are doing it for the very first time and if you’re not used to it things can get ugly fast.
If you’ve never spent nearly every waking minute with your significant other or your family or if you’re stuck at home alone for the first time it can get very hard to cope. I never really thought of “working from home and being able to withstand long bouts of social isolation” as a skill worthy of a resume but as I watch friends, family and loved ones struggle in forced solitude I realized it’s a valuable skill indeed.
I wrote up some tips for my co-workers at Pachyderm and for friends and loved one who’ve never done this before but I decided to expand on them for the wider world since we’re all in this crazy Black Swan scenario together. Some of these things I learned on my own, some I picked up from friends and great loves that I lived with for years.
I want to be very clear I’m not always good at all of these things. Some I’m tremendous at and some not so much. Nobody is perfect and I’m far from it. But right now I’m leaning into every one of these hard-won life lessons with a messianic fervor.
If you’re working from home and living alone or spending more time with loved ones than you ever imagined this list could save your life and your relationship.
Daily Ritual
Daily ritual is how you prep to focus and get into the flow:
Going to same spot every day. Fluffing your pillow. Making your tea or coffee with care and the right balance of milk or honey.
It’s how you create a fine breakfast instead of gobbling it. It’s how you set your workspace up just the way you like it. It’s turning off your notifications on your annoying phone so that every company you gave your email to isn’t messaging you incessantly with some useless information on what they’re doing about the global pandemic threatening life as we know it.
The book Daily Rituals covers the approaches great artists and scientists took every day of their lives to do their best work. They’re all a little different but they have a lot of overlap:
A warm, safe place. Consistency. Isolation from distractions.
All of these help you turn off the insanity of the world and dive into deep work.
Deep work or flow is when the past and the future fall away, time seems to disappear, anxiety and fear evaporate and you’re totally absorbed in the thing you’re doing, whether that’s work or reading or dancing. This is an amazing state and one I live for every day as I fall into a writing trance, absolutely focused as my fingers dance across the keys and the words stream across the page.
Ritual is different from “routine.” A routine is more rigid and some folks need a routine as well as a daily ritual.
Each personality needs something different.
Some people need to get up at the same time, sit at their desk at a precise hour, make their tea with a clock and that’s all right. As long as you and that person can live together with different routines and a lot of leeway you’re all right. If you can’t you’ve got a much bigger problem on your hands.
Having a daily ritual that gets your mind and emotions in shape to start working or enjoying life really helps you maintain a sense of self and continuity.
Your Castle
Your house is an extension of you. As outside, so inside.
I have to admit I haven’t always gotten this part right as my ex-wife and my great loves know all too well. I’ve always set up my work space just as I like it but I didn’t always care about the dishes or the plants or bringing home flowers to bring beauty and light into my space.
I care about it now.
My kitchen is clean as an operating room. The dishes get done. The markets don’t have flowers and I really miss bringing them home every weekend from the farmer’s market and caring for them.
Caring for other living things helps you learn to care for others and yourself better.
Now I’m still a little flexible here. If the dishes don’t get done one night I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Sometimes I’m just tired or overwhelmed. That’s all right too.
It’s important to give yourself a little break.
Still, I don’t let this go on long. I don’t let dishes pile up for days. I’m on it. But I’m not rushing and doing it just to get it done. I’m doing it slowly and with care.
Slowing down and doing everything with care is how you bring flow into every aspect of your life. Almost any simple task can help you get into a rhythm if you focus on it completely and stop letting your mind wander to everything else you’ve got to do today or tomorrow or the next day.
Slow down and take care of your space. If you didn’t have the time before, because you were rushing from moment to moment, you sure have the time now.
Get engaged with your house. Open those curtains first thing in the morning and let in light. Don’t just sit in the dark. Open the windows and get some fresh air. Light a candle. Water those plants. Fix that slanted painting.
And then sometimes if you want complete flow then you can draw the shades and turn out the lights and focus on the siren song of your computer screen for awhile too.
Personal Grooming
Take care of yourself.
Shower. Shave. Do your hair. Brush your teeth. Use deodorant.
It’s easy to let this slide in isolation and that’s a sure fire way to ruin your relationship and slide back into hunter-gatherer status.
A lot of us might not be getting a hair cut for awhile so do your best with trimming and learn to cut your lover’s hair.
That said I’ve found it’s also great fun to just say “screw it” and skip it once in a while because you have the opportunity to “break the rules.” I encourage that kind of fun sometimes. Go ahead. Break the rules a little. There aren’t really any rules anyway since we made them all up but it’s good to pretend there are and it’s a good release to rebel against them.
Now, a lot of folks will tell you to not to do certain things, like going right to your computer or working in your underwear. This all comes down to personal preference. I personally enjoy working in my sweat pants and don’t get as rigid about this as some who get up and get dressed like they’re going to the office. Again, routines are different for different people. Some are early risers and some like to work super late. Some get dressed like it’s the 1950s and some are perfectly fine in a track suit.
The mistake people make is assuming everyone must have the same routine when it’s best to find your own personal rhythm and allow space for the others around you to have their own routines. I do not work well early in the morning no matter how hard I try and I have a long ramp up period. Once I get going I am like a freight train though.
It is different for everyone so find your own rhythm and routine that works for you.
Eat Well
There’s never been a better time in the history of the world to start eating right.
Throw out all crap in your house. Get rid of garbage snacks. If you have it you will eat it. Keep healthy snacks and foods around.
Eating well is not a matter of doing it when you feel good. Anyone can do that. It’s a matter of setting it up so that when you’re feeling sad, weak and vulnerable you don’t reach for a pile of garbage food that runs you down, destroys your immune system or your mental and emotional balance.
A lot of us have a lot of pasta and tuna fish to eat in the coming months so I hope you chose wisely and didn’t stock up on Gummy Bears and Cheez-Its.
What we put in our bodies matters now more than ever.
I won’t lecture you on the perfect diet because diet politics can turn into a religious war between ideological factions but there are some overlaps between the major schools of thought on how to eat well. Whether you’re vegetarian or paleo or pescatarian you’re eating lots of vegetables and that makes vegetables good.
My favorite book on eating well is 50 Secrets of the World’s Longest Living People which highlights five hot pockets of longevity: Okinawa, Japan; Bama, China; Campodimele, Italy; Symi, Greece; and Hunza, Pakistan.
Here’s some writing I did on the “common sense” diet that I wrote years ago when I went from 215 pounds to 175.
Make longevity your goal, not weight loss. Weight loss is just a happy side effect of longevity.
When you eat correctly you will lose weight and you won’t gain it back. The problem with focusing on weight loss is that it has an end state. It has a finish line. Once you get there, you start back sliding because you’ve reached your goal.
Longevity has no end state until you reach the big sleep.
So concentrate on living to 100.
Your weight and the clouds of other problems like high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and stubborn belly fat will gradually disappear.
Read a Lot
You’ve got a golden opportunity to read now. Break into the book that’s gathering dust at the bottom of your Kindle.
Read some amazing history. Figure out the meaning of life. Teach yourself AI. Learn to code. Finally try some amazing poetry.
If you like audio books those count too.
Reading brings the mind to life. It engages you. It keeps you adept and agile. It staves off dementia. It teaches you new skills and transports you to brave new worlds.
Sitting in front of TV/Netflix/Firestick induces a kind of semi-trance state that’s numbing but not really fully alive or resting. It’s somewhere in between. It’s a strange kind of hypersleep. Limit constant passive media consumption to keep yourself running at a high level.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with a good binge watch and we’ve all got a lot of shows to catch up on but reading or doing a puzzle is a much more powerful use of your time so keep it all in balance.
Slow Down
Too often today we’re always in a rush.
Don’t worry, there’s always something else to do tomorrow.
I promise.
Your task list will never end as long as you’re on this bright blue and green Earth. Don’t try to get it all done in one day.
Just do the next step and the next step and the next like a tightrope walker. One foot and then the next one. Only the step ahead matters.
Really take this time to make a nice breakfast or dinner or lunch. Plate it. Plate it with the care of a fine chef. Enjoy dusting that plate with powdered sugar and strawberries. Savor each bite.
Stop and listen to some music. Really listen. Feel the notes and the power of the sound waves as they wash over you and through you.
Enjoy some non-linearity instead of just rigid structure. Take a break. Take a 15 minute power nap. Do it right in the middle of the day. Nobody is looking. It’s all right.
Enjoy this time to do the things you’re always skipping in your rush to robot like pure productivity. You’re not a robot. You’re a human being and if you don’t stop to look around in a while you’ll miss your life.
Process Your Emotions
You have to realize that caring for yourself in isolation and under duress is part of your job description now.
This isn’t a nice-to-have or an if-you-can-find-the-time kind of thing anymore. It’s a number one priority. It just went to the top of your task list.
If you need to lay down or deal with a wave of tears or call someone then that is your job right now.
Take it slow and recognize that self-care is not just a nice new age concept now but an absolute necessity at this moment.
I’ve dealt with emotional waves and depression at different points in my life so I’m better prepared than most to deal with isolation. I simply accept the fact that at times I’ll have to stop or slow down and deal with whatever emotional stuff I’m going through. The good news is you get better at it and it takes a lot less time. You learn to cope. You adapt.
When fear, anxiety, loneliness, rage, terror, powerlessness hit you like a tidal wave it’s time to deal with it immediately before it spirals out of control. At times of less stress you can usually just power through it and distract yourself easily. At times of high stress that’s a disaster waiting to happen. Suppress it, ignore it or just push through it and you double its power and it will come back with a vengeance. The more you push down your emotions the more they will pop up like a super-heated steam burst somewhere else.
Stop and deal with it. Take a walk. Scream. Punch a pillow (not someone else). Power nap. Listen to some head-banging music. Everything else can and will wait.
Most folks aren’t used to this because they have a lot of noise to fill up their lives and they bury those emotional waves below it with activity. Not an option now.
Face it.
You can’t go around it or past it.
The only way out is through.
Flow Activities
Flow is that incredible state of mind where you get so absorbed that the past and future fall away, time disappears, fear and anxiety evaporate and you get totally lost in what you’re doing.
Many doorways lead to this amazing experience, popularized by the book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Yeah, I can’t pronounce his name either).
For me flow is writing. For you it might mean dancing, drawing, working out, playing with your children, playing a game, reading, or a thousand other things. Find your flow.
If you haven’t spent much of your life developing this highly coveted skill now is the time to try.
I’ll warn you though it’s not always easy to get there. You need to shut out all distractions, turn off notifications on your phone and computer, hide from other people and focus. On some days you’ll get into the rhythm in minutes but most other days it could take an hour or two to let all the anxieties and worries and resistance drop away.
Flow activities protect your mind and spirit in deep isolation like nothing else. They cushion you for heavy blows. Your brain explodes with oxytocin and adrenaline and dopamine and every other pleasure chemical the body makes. It puts you into a profound state of calm and balance that restores your will to live to your will to survive and thrive in adversity.
When we’re paralyzed or in a profound state of discord, we’re at the mercy of our mind and our thoughts hard to control. We’re agitated, lost, frightened, filled with fear or rage or sadness. You feel the ticking of the clock as the minutes move by with excruciating slowness.
Flow restores your natural and true state of calm and harmony once more so spare no effort getting there every day.
Stay Connected
In a time when many of us can’t go outside for long and we can’t see friends and loved ones who mean a lot to us, it can get very, very lonely.
Chat apps are your best friend now. Spend time talking with people who bring good energy into your life. Video chat with people. Joke. Flirt. Send memes. Laughter relieves tension and sets the spirits soaring once more.
Enjoy your friends and lovers and loved ones, even if from a distance. The Internet remains a tremendous blessing now more than ever. In the past people just got stuck in the homes, worrying, without word from people they knew unless they called. Today we have a tremendous advantage that no generation in history has ever had before this very moment. I’m in touch with people all over the world. It’s wonderful and I’m grateful.
Schedule virtual coffee breaks over group chat like Zoom or WhatsApp or Telegram. Last night I did a virtual writing group. Tonight I’m sharing some virtual vino with friends and Saturday I have a virtual dinner with a gal pal that I miss.
Get creative. Schedule time with people you love and have fun with it.
Balance
“Anything to excess is too much,” as my father always says.
Sometimes too many chat apps running on your desktop is nothing but an energy suck and a distraction. Know when to turn them all off.
I regularly put my phone on do-not-disturb for hours and close all chat apps.
Turn off the noise and focus for a set stream of hours every day and you’ll find yourself much more balanced and happy in work and life.
Music
Music is one of the greatest expressions of life and a source of constant pleasure and creativity for people all over the world.
I have a magical ambient playlist that I have curated over a decade that keeps me calm and centered nearly every day. It has no words to distract me just waves of sweeping sounds. You don’t want music that makes you anxious, angry, or upset so save that for another less stressful time when you want to get amped up to fight the man or go out dancing.
I also have other playlists for dinner, drinks, late dinner jazz, workout, time with friends, making love (everyone should have this and not feel ashamed of it), dancing, lounging and more.
Music is one of your best friends during times by yourself.
Make a ton of Spotify lists. Explore music and have fun finding it even if that was never your thing in the past. Now you have more time to dig into bands and genres you always wanted to explore.
Curate your lists ruthlessly so they have no songs that make you say “ugh, why is that here and breaking the flow?” Once you’re really dialed in, share those lists far and wide with the world.
Workout
If you’re cut off from the gym it’s time to realize that you don’t actually need a gym. There’s a great big outdoors. You can run or walk.
In your house you can do “bodyline” exercises that use nothing but your own body weight and gravity to get your fit and strong. Find a “bodyline” exercise app like Freeletics or Yoga routine. You don’t need no gym, unless you have a personal gym.
I love Freeletics and I’ve used it for years to stay in great shape while traveling with nothing but a single suitcase and no apartment. I wasn’t in a single place for long enough to warrant a gym membership so I had to make use of what I already had and you can do it too.
You do not need a gym or weights to stay in shape and care for yourself and your body.
Take Breaks
Get up. Stretch. Walk around.
Don’t just say you are going to do this.
Do it.
Again, you’re not a computer or a machine. You are human. Short breaks make you more focused and relaxed. They bring you back to the task at hand with greater energy and concentration.
Pro tip: Don’t do this during Flow. Stay in flow as long as you can and do it right after.
Be Your Own Best Friend
I have a special technique I developed for a new book I’m writing where I imagine how my best friend would talk to me if I’m facing painful adversity.
What would she say? What kind of advice would she give? What tone and words would she use? Would she deliver a little tough love or tell me it’s all going to work out or both?
When I’m really down or facing sadness, anxiety and fear I’ve done this exercise enough that my best friend’s voice regularly pops into my head as a comforting, self-soothing guide without any effort anymore. Of course, it’s really my own mind imagining what she would say and over time the voice has modulated into my own version of her. That’s a good thing.
Self care in a time of great adversity is utterly essential on every level. You must be your own best friend at all times because sometimes your real friends won’t be around as they have their own problems now.
There are times when you won’t be able to focus or when the world and life get to you. We don’t like to talk about this stuff in modern society. We just bury it and hide it from others or only share it with people closest to us. In times when external adversity reach a terrifying extreme burying all of this is deadly and could land you in a world of personal pain.
It’s essential that you cultivate your self-talk to a superbly high level so that you always have a caring and supportive voice that you carry with you at all times.
It’s wonderful to carry your own best friend in your head and heart wherever you go.
We’re All in This Together
This is a wild and unexpected time. We’re all here experiencing a truly unifying experience while we’re all totally isolated.
For better or for worse, we’re stuck here, maybe for months. Long periods of isolation or long stretches with a loved one you’ve never spent more than a few hours a day with can strain even the strongest minds and the strongest relationships. But if you follow all the steps I gave you above you’ll get much better at dealing with all this much faster.
It’s not easy. It’s not perfect. And sometimes you’ll still crumple on the floor in despair.
But now you have the tools to get back up, brush yourself and keep going strong.
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DISCLAIMER: I am not a psychiatrist, healer, Shaman, mystic, guru, or doctor. I’m not giving you official anything of anything. I’m just a human being documenting the way that I deal with life in the hopes that it helps other people in some small way. It’s also crucial to note that just because something doesn’t work for me doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. If something is working for you, don’t change it just because I said so. Make your own decisions. Take responsibility for you own life. All I have to offer is my articles. They’re my gift and they’re all I have to give. The rest is up to you.
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