Dairy Queen’s Flamethrower Grillburger Review
Burn Baby Burn!
**Flushhhh**
Oh, didn’t see you there. The New York Times? Alright, walk with me.
Dairy Queen’s Flamethrower Grillburger, huh? What else is there to say really? Yeah, you’ve seen the rumors, they’re true. The first food item I was unable to finish. Believe me, not all publicity is good publicity. Is this off the record? Yeah? Okay.
I’ve felt pretty embarrassed the past few days honestly. Not able to finish something! Like, come on, that’s my whole brand! The public sees me as a human dumpster they can aspire to! If I can’t eat this thing, who can?!
You want me to talk more about the burger specifically? Alright, fine. I saw this thing on their homepage, the Flamethrower, seemed nice enough. It was topped with FlameThrower Sauce (Oddly the “T” is only capitalized in the sauce), Jalapeno Bacon(?), pepper jack cheese, and your usual greens and bun. Early on I thought this was a great choice, I love spicy, who doesn’t?
I ended up ordering their pretzel sticks with cheese sauce on the side, but don’t rope them into this. Their doughy tubes are not to blame for what happened. When I first bit into the burger, I liked it! I really liked it! It was spicy and savory, the bun was warm and soft. Really, I was into it. Perhaps in those moments, I was too open with this burger, I let myself become too vulnerable.
Very quickly things changed. I was going back and forth between my fries, pretzel sticks, and burger, (The Lord’s Trifecta, for those in the know) when suddenly I felt this crushing weight. A pain derived solely from meat and heat. Much too late I realized the double beef patties combined with the spice of the cheese AND the sauce created a chain reaction. There was a brief, fleeting moment when I thought I was gonna lose it all in that Dairy Queen.
But no, I steeled myself and mustered the courage to dispose of the spicy culprit before any further damage could be done. Hopefully, they’ll put a plaque up for me. That was probably the bravest thing anyone’s ever done in a Dairy Queen.
What? Would I eat it again?
Yeah, probably. You’re not publishing any of this, are you?
Oh. Well, can you at least use the headline “The Dairy King, Man Saves Life in Restaurant”? I spent 8 hours coming up with that.
