How a Group of 17-year-olds Taught Me the Definition of Deserve
The teacher I mentored under for my student teaching taught AP Environmental Science. There was one lesson, I will never forget. They were learning about resources and how in each country or region resources vary from food availability to wealth to even something as simple as water. The teacher had planned a “feast” to help the kids understand this concept and I was set to help her facilitate said “feast.”
She didn’t tell the students anything other than they had to bring in a food item to share with the 30+ kids in the class. They were SO excited about it. They came in ready to eat all the cookies/cakes/junk food that they, and all their friends had brought in. They walked into class and were randomly given a colored wristband. There were 5 different colors. When class started, she had one color get up and grab a large paper plate. Then she had the next color grab a salad sized plate, so on and so forth. Eventually the last color was given a 2-ounce sized cup. She then said they could fill their plate/cup with food — but it HAS to fit in the cup or on the plate.
When I tell you there was rioting — I am not being hyperbolic. The students with the smaller items were so angry. The students with the larger plates felt like they had won the lottery. She made every person fill their item, and then they had to sit together and have this “feast.” I assumed they were going to talk about it and then at the end everyone could get whatever they wanted. Nope. It was the entire class period- there was no relief from the teacher for the kids that barely got any food.
There was a lot of: “This isn’t fair,” and “I don’t deserve this!”
It was really interesting to see these kids grapple with the question of just because you were born into a thriving country — does that mean you are more deserving of food and water? Some felt like yes- they do deserve it — they are AMERICANS! It is not their fault they weren’t born in a third world country! They had a hard time hearing that what we have, what we are privileged to — is just a random series of events that brought us into the world under certain circumstances. So, the question was asked — what does it mean to deserve something?
I would love to tell you that this moment woke me up and made me understand that the idea of deserving something is total bullshit. But it didn’t — I already knew what I deserved. I was raised to believe that I deserved eternal damnation — but was saved by the grace of God. This convinced me that no matter what I did- my actions, my thoughts, or who I was didn’t matter. It was just out of my hands, and it was only the mercy and grace of a deity or righteous person that allowed me to get what I deserve d— good or bad.
This idea/belief really fucked me up.
Whenever I felt a moment of success — it was — “I don’t deserve this.” Obviously, there is some higher power or some sort of luck that brought this to my doorstep. When I was feeling the lowest and depressed — I told myself — “you deserve this.” I am inherently not deserving of anything good or great, this must be God (or the universe as I started deconstructing) telling me I need to sit in this pain and learn from it.
The very definition of the word deserve is “to do something or have or show qualities worthy of (reward or punishment)” Which means that what I had been taught — what you deserve is based on things completely out of your control - is actually the most stupid thing I have ever believed. I found myself in a really low place — trying to sort through these feeling of self-loathing when I found an old card that said, “We only deserve what we have actual control over.” It took me a minute, but I remembered it was from the “feast.”
Those 17 year olds had figured it out by the end of the class period. The ones with all the food were outraged at how unfair it all was. They started sharing their food and passing their plates. The people with the smallest items were grateful, but so upset that there were people that in that moment — in another place — felt that they deserved to go hungry. They were even more upset that the person in power (for them, their teacher) did nothing about it. It didn’t matter what they did, or how hard they worked — it had already been decided that they didn’t deserve to have access to food or water. It changed their views on what it really meant to deserve something. In the conversation a kid said -”we only deserve what we have actual control over.” It was such a lightbulb moment for the majority of those students . I remember hearing it — in fact, I wrote it down on that card.
I think I wanted to believe it then — but I couldn’t quite let it be true. But, 18 years later, it reframed how I look at my successes and failures.
I am not successful because some higher power bestowed their will for me to be successful. I am successful because of a lot of things: I worked hard, I made some good decisions, I had some luck, my timing was perfect, I didn’t have student loans, I was driven, I took risks, I had tenacity, or I stood up for myself when I needed to.
I didn’t fail because I had fallen out of favor or because I am an inherently broken person. I have failed because I had a stint of bad luck, my timing was off, I trusted the wrong person, I made some horrible decisions, I gave up too soon, I stopped caring, I acquiesced when I shouldn’t have, I was petty, I acted out of fear, or I didn’t trust my gut.
While some of my successes or failures were earned or deserved, there is also the truth that there isn’t a reason — it just was what it was — I didn’t have control over the outcome.
There is something to be said when you feel like you have cracked the code. To some this may seem like complete common sense (anyone who has deconstructed knows the long, windy path it takes to get to simplest concepts) — but to me, reflecting on a group of 17-year-olds — was what I needed to finally feel like I can look at my depression as something I didn’t deserve, but something that just is.