When You Thought You Were Alone.

Jeremiah 29:13 “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

The smell of sweet grass meets me on a two track path, deep in the woods of the U.P. of Michigan. Meggan and I were on separate four wheelers, so I took that time, to spend with the Lord. I called on the name of the one who loves me. “Yahweh..” I asked for a word of understanding. I desperately miss my beautiful Courage. I begged the Lord for relief from the pain.

The Lord heard my sobs from within my helmet. The loudness of the four wheeler cannot sound out His voice from within. He responded in that moment with a peace that covered me like a warm blanket.

I wanted more than peace though. I wanted Him to go back in time to save both of my children from death’s grip. He can do that. He is God. I prayed and yearned for Him to miraculously save our children, to restore my marriage, to come down in the clouds in the long awaited rapture… “Please! DO SOMETHING LORD! I cannot go on in this state of heartache.” God did not miraculously restore any of those things in the way that I wanted.

When we got back to the cabin my sister in Christ put a warm and assuring hand on my arm. We bowed our heads under century old logs that surrounded us, and she spilled her heart out to the Lord, on my behalf. I closed my eyes tight to pray but in that moment the Holy Spirit gave me a quick picture in my mind. It was a flash but had a lot of meaning.

The two track path we were on

The vision was of me and Jesus walking together down this very path that we were four wheeling on earlier that day. From my point of view, I was behind watching Jesus and I, holding hands, walking ahead. I was on His right side. Then my view changed and I was inside of myself as Jesus lifted my hand to His lips, and kissed it. I saw that it was His right hand and I saw the red scar on His hand, as He lifted mine.

I poured out my heart so severely during that four wheeler ride. I wondered if God even heard me. Looking out from my perspective, it was a lonley thought. Maybe He placed that “warm blanket” of peace on me as I prayed but wasn’t I doing this alone? Alone with a token blanket?

The message that the Holy Spirit revealed in me through that vision during Meggan’s prayer was vastly different than the thought I had of Him just throwing a comforting blanket over me. He showed me that He is hand in hand with me on the very path that so deeply hurts to walk through.

God does not leave us to walk down the path of life on our own. He rolls up His sleeves and is right in the middle of it with us. He tenderly, compassionately loves us through the trials in our life. “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Deuteronomy 31:8
 It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

“Okay Lord, you’re with me in this. What do I do now?” I did what I’ve done so many times before. My knees hit the wood floor and I bowed low before my Lord and praised Him. “With my every breath I love you Lord. You are the lover of my soul. I cannot fathom Your ways. I cannot grasp Your great love for us and still I don’t get it Lord. You know how deeply I loved Courage. You know how keenly I watched over him and took care of him. I did everything with him on my hip, close to my heart, endlessly kissing his head. He was in my arms almost every moment that he was awake.”

I know that I’m not alone. He is all around me. On my knees, I make a choice. This is where I rely on His life in me to provide the faith needed to believe that one day it will be clear. When I don’t understand, I will choose you God. You are worthy to be praised. You are good.

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore. PSALM 16:11

After Meggan prayed over me, I went to bed and opened my daily devotional from Jesus Calling. This is what the devotional said for that day:

Keep Walking

KEEP WALKING with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak. Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of Life.

Even in the midst of great heartache God gives me a JOY and PEACE and an indescribable ANTICIPATION for what the Lord has in store. I WILL and CAN SURVIVE this because I Trust Him who fills me to overflowing with all I need.

“I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.” Abraham Lincoln

If the LORD delights in a man’s way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. PSALM 37:23–24