Erratic, Indecisive and Spontaneous. A short story about me, D.

Across the last three years these words have been used to describe me, they’ve been used as a way to label my decisions and as a way to place me into a box that has negative undertones.

At first I didn’t understand, I didn’t understand why having various different interests and excelling at various different ideas and things was perceived as a bad thing. I always thought to myself, but we’re humans are we not? We’re one of the most intelligent but yet complex beings to exist. We’re a multitude of many different things I would say to myself. We’re a combination of our beliefs, our values, our experiences, our environments and so much more. I always had the understanding that as I continue to level up and evolve in life then a lot of what makes me, me would also evolve.

At 18 after high school you’re told “Hey, make a decision on what you want to be for the rest of your life and study that for the next 3–10 years (depending on what your course is of course)”. It’s a daunting decision and it can be a decision that at the time that you feel as though you’re bound to.

Let’s talk about the decision I made at 18, at 18 I had very minimal self awareness (although I thought I was very grown at the time). However what I was aware of at 18 is I knew I wanted to pursue a job that centered around others, a lot of people had always described me as a future lawyer but it felt quite daunting at the time and so I didn’t go down the law route. I come from a family of nurses and those in healthcare, I thought to myself … Well I don’t know if I have the capability to take on Law, so let me just enrol into nursing school.

How did Nursing school go? After one semester I quit. I quit because it was a rushed decision and I didn’t particularly like the idea of another individuals bodily fluids. After the semester I quit and dropped out, I began working full time whilst I tried to refocus on what I wanted to do. All I knew were the traditional jobs, and those around me kept saying “what about law?”. I wasn’t too sure but I thought hey, I have an interest in people so let’s try it.

I survived 3 years of law school before I realised it was crippling me. It’s scary because looking back at it, I thought it was normal law school sadness but I was more than just sad I had become extremely depressed. We don’t talk about the effects of studying and what it can do to one’s mental health, if you want me to be fully transparent, then transparent is what I will be. I became heavily depressed throughout my time studying law. I lost motivation not only in school but also in life and those around me. I didn’t see the point of one’s existence and I didn’t see a future ahead of me. I always thought “once I graduate, I am going into a job where I am within an office all day and barely get to have time for my own future family and friends” that didn’t appeal to me. It was through this dark period that I realised we’re not bound to the decision we make at 18, we’re often bound to the opinions and views of other people. I wasn’t living for myself and I knew I had to make a change before the symptoms of my mental health became a permanent decision.

I didn’t drop out or quit law school straight away, I instead took a break during the pandemic and thought I needed time to breathe, refocus again and figure everything out. I knew that my desire in life is people and community, I thought “what about teaching?” and I thought that I was set on that but when I did get an offer for teaching, I rejected it and returned from my break and went back to law school. I convinced myself that I was simply burnt out and that the break would help me get back into law school. I prepared to return and started preparing for my subjects, and I could sense that the decision still did not feel right. I still felt bound, I still felt lost. I remember sitting in Mcdonalds with some church friends one night, and I kept thinking to myself “I am present, but I am not present” it was the first time I realised, if I don’t make a change then my mental health was going to have me in a chokehold. I voiced my concerns and what I felt to my friends and they gave sound advice but I was still stuck.

I was stuck because law still did not feel right for me, it didn’t align with my values such as family and other factors. The semester began, and I went along to my lectures as per usual and it was around week 5 when I had a revelation. If I truly wanted to be able to experience life in the way that it was set out for me, then I cannot continue studying law for another 2 years. You can’t get time back, you can only make up for it. I didn’t want to make up for it in 2 years. I had goals, dreams and aspirations that were being hindered by being in law school. I had to escape from the shackles of readings, law briefs and more.

However, when you escape from anything in life, you need a plan. Over the next few weeks instead of focusing on my assignments and readings, I came up with a plan. I had always had an interest in technology, but I thought it was for those that were ridiculously intelligent, and good at maths. However I found a message I wrote to a friend in January 2018 and it said
“Hey, I want to know more about UX/UI design but I don’t think I am creative! Lol, anyways I’m dreaming too big, I don’t think tech is suited for me anyways”.

I had become familiar with UX/UI design through various people in the last few years and had explored it as simply a hobby, for some reason I didn’t think it was something I was good enough to pursue as a job. During this time of escape, I began to explore it more. I asked questions, set up zoom calls with those in the field, networked, watched 1000 youtube videos and had hours long conversations with my best friend. I kept thinking “let me just finish law school, let me firm the pain it’s causing me, I’ve already made a switch from nursing to law and I can’t afford to be called erratic again” I was crippled by opinions of others, opinions of family and what they would say. I didn’t want to let down my mum, or my dad.

I was willing to let myself down to appease others, I put my needs and desires on the back burner and told myself I can’t put my UX/UI desire to action until I finish the last 2 years. I had to push through. The truth is I didn’t have to do anything. Nobody has to do anything, not you, not me and not anyone. We believe we have to because that’s how we’re raised.

I then explored a UX/UI bootcamp called Love Circular. I asked past students 1000 questions and then I booked a consultation with their course advisor Kieran. Kieran ran through the course, the aim of the organisation and what I would get out of it, in a very detailed, passionate and professional manner. I had a few days to decide whether I would join the next cohort or not. I had a few days to decide whether I would allow myself to continue evolve into a new chapter of my life, or to be bound to the darkness that was holding me back from fulfilment.

I chose me.

For the first time in my life, I made a bold decision without the thoughts of others holding me back and decided to pivot into tech. I knew that to others it would just be “another spontaneous decision” “will this girl ever finish anything she has started” but you know what? I didn’t mind. How can I seek to help others in my career , if I couldn’t help myself when I needed it the most? I dropped out of university and law school entirely and started my journey into tech and the Love Circular bootcamp.

It’s been 3 weeks since I began, many may say that 3 weeks is not enough time to judge whether you’ve made the right decision or not. But for me? I’ve felt liberation and freedom in the last 3 weeks than I have in the last 5 years of my life. The peace, and joy that has fulfilled me triumphs any negative opinion that I may face with my decision. I understand that the journey is not always going to be easy and it can get hard, but you get to choose your hard. This is the hard that I have chosen.

In 3 weeks, I have been given many different opportunities, networked with hundreds of people, been invited to events and so much more that I can’t disclose. I feel valued, and I feel at home.

The journey to figure out where you’re meant to be planted is not going to be linear, we all know that. There are many Instagram quotes, self help books and more that tell us that. However until you experience it, you don’t truly appreciate what that actually means. It wasn’t linear for me, I thought I had missed my window at doing life properly, I had felt lost and I felt alone. The reality is, this is a lot of young people’s truth, a lot of us don’t know what we’re doing. A lot of us are bound to other people’s opinions and ideas, but you can only give power to those that you allow to have power.

If power is a choice, why not give yourself that power? Give yourself the power to stop, pause and pivot. Give yourself the power to reinvent yourself and give yourself the power to make changes. The reality is nobody cares, people may comment on your choices at that time but in a few months or years they would have forgotten.

“Too many people scared of trying and failing so they don’t even try at all. Not realising that never trying is the worst failure of all.” — (victorpazubuike via twitter)

Understand that as I mentioned earlier we’re human. As a human we’re a multitude of many values, beliefs, experiences and environments. Embrace that, and embrace your evolution.

Sincerely,

A woman that’s in pursuit of her vision.