Someone I follow shared this link on Twitter with 24 questions to know yourself better.

I’m feeling introspective and searching for the meaning of life lately, so I clicked on through. I was answering them inside my head, but I thought it might be entertaining for you to read, so it’s here.

(If you want to secretly answer the questions in your own head to get to know yourself better, go for it. No judgement here.)

1. What would people say about you at your funeral?

Do I answer what I want them to say, or what I expect them to say? I’m not sure it would be any different. It would probably be something like, “She was a great sister,” and “She was an alright daughter,” because my sister is delusional and my mom is hopeful, and I think they’d be the only ones there.

2. What do you believe stands between you and complete happiness?

A constant quiet sadness.

3. When will you be good enough for you? Is there some breaking point where you will accept everything about yourself?

This is a weird question. What about the people who already think they’re way too good? I think I’m pretty good. Maybe not good enough. I don’t know what my end goal is (yet?), so I’m never satisfied that the steps I’m taking are the right way to get there. So, maybe if I knew that.

4. If you were at Heaven’s gates, and God asked you “why should I let you in?”, what would you say?

“Because you’re just an illusion; you can’t stop me.” And then I’d walk through the imaginary gates.

5. Do you fear death? If so, do you have a good reason?

I do not. I just don’t want to die while people who love me are still alive, because it will probably suck for them to lose me. I’d like to slowly alienate them as I age and die quietly alone.

6. If you lost everything tomorrow, whose arms would you want to run into? Does that person know how much they mean to you?

My mom’s. And I’m not sure. We’ve already established she’ll be at my funeral, so I’m pretty significant in her life. Actually, I hope she doesn’t have to be at my real funeral, because that’s not fair for a mother. I’ll be at hers. I probably won’t wait until then to make sure she knows how much she means to me. I don’t need to do it all at once because this quiz makes me feel bad, though. I’ll just do it slowly throughout life, and she’ll know.

7. If you had the chance to go back in time and change one thing, what would you change?

I don’t like to think that way. I try not to regret things, just learn from them, or at least forget them. I might go back and never eat sugar and fast food, because now I’m addicted to those and have to constantly hate not eating them or hate myself for eating them. I could stand to live without that battle.

8. If you could make a 30 second speech to the entire world, what would you say?

This would probably take about 30 seconds: http://bit.ly/DIY-4

9. If you had all the money in the world but still had to have some kind of job, what would you choose to do?

Would writing count as a job in this case? If I do it but don’t ask for money for it? ‘Cause that’s, of course, what I’d choose (/have chosen). But I’ve been thinking “writing” is way too vague to be a job title. I’d be a “blogger”, and “author”, which describe the things I like to do a little better. (Personal/Lifestyle Blogger and Author of funny, thoughtful love stories about self-discovery.)

10. What would you change if you were told with 100% certainty that God does not exist? Or if you don’t believe in God, that he does exist?

I’ve been told both of these with 100% certainty, and I don’t believe either; so probably nothing.

11. What would you change if you knew you were NEVER going to die?

I would smoke cigarettes — wait, would I get sick, though? Let’s say I also can’t get perpetually-terminally ill; then I’d smoke cigarettes. Because smoking is cool. And I’d waste less time sleeping — because I also assume my undying body doesn’t need rest in this scenario? I’d like to fly, like a bird, so maybe I would jump off stuff, as long as it wouldn’t hurt to land. I’m not sure what the rules are here.

12. If this were the last day of your life, would you want to do what you were about to do today?

No. I have client work on my to-do list, and I never want to spend time doing that. I’d love to spend my final day doing what I’m doing right now to procrastinate against client work: write silly blog posts like this. And work on the novel I’m going to work on next (a funny, thoughtful love story about self-discovery). Should I do that today?

13. If your life were a movie, what would be the title?

“There’s Something About Everyone But Me”

14. If you could ask for one wish, what would it be?

All the wishes. (What are the rules here?)

15. How could you describe yourself in 5 words?

Something About Everyone But Me

16. Are there chances you’ve passed up that you wish you’d have taken?

I pass up most of the chances to say things that matter to people I care about. And then I regret it for three days, which is annoying. I’m better at saying it in writing, but most of the people prefer to hear things out loud. I’m not good at that. So, people I care about, if you’re reading this: I love you, and I wish you would have come to my hypothetical funeral.

17. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

I almost failed Calculus and Philosophy because of tricky questions like this.

18. If not now, then when?

(This could have been a list of 23 questions.)

19. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

I’d answer this question honestly.

20. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?

(Make that 22 questions.)

21. If you had to choose between a book or a movie what would you choose?

Movie. It’s a more efficient way to get the story. Or is it a specific book and movie? Like, if it’s the Saw movies vs. Henry and June the book, I’d pick the book. But forced between Henry and June the book vs. the movie? I’d pick the movie. (Uma Thurman and the gorgeous French woman? Yeah.)

22. If you could see your whole life ‘til now on a movie would you enjoy it?

Sure. Most of it would be pretty dull, but there are enough plot twists to support a storyline. It might hurt my soul to watch the twisty parts, but sure; it would be compelling.

23. If you could ask one person just one question, and he/she would answer honestly, what would you ask him/her and who would you ask?

(This question is fine, but I have no goddamn idea how to answer it.)

24. What would you do differently if you were reborn?

You’re not reborn as the same person with the same opportunities, right? This question seems irrelevant. What are the rules here?