Change?

Before I say anything else, I do want to make this clear: I love my job. I love the people I work with, I love my co-workers and fellow supervisors. I don’t nessisarily love working out in the bone-chilling cold in winter, but the warmer weather, especially in summer with travellers coming through makes up for it. I love how supportive the General Manager and the business owner have been supportive of me as I wade through the crap of the last few years, mental health issues included.

I love that my family is supportive and encouraging as well. Where they don’t understand, or only have a glimpse, they ask questions and seek to understand. They engage conversations and question me — not just for their own understanding, but to help me wade through the various issues and help me process through that

I love that while I don’t have many close friends, the ones I do have are rather adamant that if I am struggling that I call them no matter what. I’ve gotten in trouble for NOT doing so, with quite the stern lecture to make sure I call them next times things get to be a little too much.

I love that I’ve really found running a positive thing. The routine, the challenge, the ability to set some goals and pursue them, the many benefits it brings to my physical and mental health.

So if things are that good — why make a change? Simple. Thanks to many people both in real life and online, I’ve realized that my journey, and my transparency while walking it out, seems to really resonate with people. I’ve connected with several people online as I’ve talked about my life with depression, anxiety, and ADHD. And there’s something stirring within me that I keep wondering about.

I don’t know why, or how, but somehow the way I write seems to resonate with people. My journey seems to “click” with many people. And if (for now) my depression and anxiety and ADHD seems to be fairly under control, why wouldn’t I take advantage of my perspective and my current stability to reach out to others?

And to be honest, I’m not sure if it will be through blogging, although that seems to be the most natural fit. I also like to engage with others via Twitter when I have the presence of mind to do so. Maybe it’ll go so far as to get training in the mental health field and really start making a difference.

The thing is, I don’t know. What I do know is that I have talents and a story. I know I’m not using those things to their full potential. I’m not sure how to develop them, how to really push my blog and it’s “branding” so more and more people can gain access to it. I don’t know how much time or effort I”m willing to put in, or how much I’ll be able to do so in the future (if/when depression and anxiety knock me down for a while).

I just don’t know.

What I do know is that if I can reach someone, encourage them, or make a difference for them somehow — then I’ll gladly bear this illness until my last breath. And I want to reach out, I want to shine a light into people’s dark times, and give them hope. It might only be a small candle flame, but the smallest candle can bring a lot of light into complete darkness. I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to be so depressed that the mental heaviness almost leaves an aftertaste in your mouth.

So please, do me a favor. If something I’ve said or shared in the past has encouraged you or opened your eyes a bit, let me know. If you have some words of wisdom or guidance as to how to proceed, let me know. If your the praying type, maybe God will speak to you about this.

In any case, I need to figure out how to resolve this. Somehow this flame, this desire to help others and give them hope just doesn’t want to die. If this is something I’m supposed to do, I want to nurture and feed that flame, to build into it and keep it going…because I know someone’s bravery about their mental illness gave me the courage to face my own. I hope I can help one person — and hopefully many — find that kernel of hope and light within themselves.