From the ashes…(Part 1)

Rewind approximately 13 years. Fall 2004. City of Saskatoon. I had been working aproximately a year for a very small security company. We specialized in the Hotel industry, providing both security enfocement and patrols, as well as overnight guest service. If I recall we had 5 or 6 full time sites, as well as 3 or 4 weekend sites. I had done well with the company to that point — earning myself a place at their weekly meetings as their “ears on the ground” between the officers and the management, access and training at their “elite” site (one of the high-end hotels in the city, most officers wouldn’t be trained there unless they had at least a year of solid, well-reputed service), as well as my “own” site: management at that site refused to let anyone else work it, so weekends that was my baby.

Anyway, Fall of 2004, the company owner approached me to take over as city supervisor in another city (Regina), where we had an additional 2 sites. Both sites were unhappy with the level of service they were recieving and were on the verge of breaking contract with us. He wante me to move there and see if I could turn things around. I had 2 weeks to decide, and if I went, I’d only have a few weeks to show signs of improvement at the sites or they’d walk away.

So, I decided to go for it. I was single, and it seemed like a good jump to take. It would be more experience in security, and it would be a taste of management as well, a chance to try something new — to stretch myself. I left the city I’d been living in for the past 6 or so years. My brother and sister lived there, and we’d often get together. My parents lived a few hours drive away so roughly once a month we’d all be together. Friendships I’d developed for 6 years, (some were even longer as I knew people there before I moved to Saskatoon). I left it all to try something new

It was a hard hard year. I was in almost over my head (and definitley over my head at times) but I somehow survived it all. Scheduling, re-training, working with hotel managers to get things running right. Working alongside hotel staff to learn how things were done, and how things should be done. Working nights, sleeping days (between meetings, and phone calls, and paperwork). Anyway, somewhere in there I managed to connect with a girl I’d had a crush on for years, and who was also very interested in me. We had many phone calls and emails and chats via the internet. We were both working but limited funds, even so we manged to get together a few times over that year.

Summer 2005 and the company I was working for was sold and incorperated into another, larger company. I had the option of staying on with them, and basically doing what I was doing, but adding more responsibility. I decided not to — I did consider it, but from what I’d heard it was managed much differently that I was used to and I didn’t think I would be able to work with them very well. So I decided to move to southern Manitoba to be with this girl. I wasn’t sure where I’d work or how it would all turn out, but I followed my heart….

…. and had it crushed. In hindsight I should have been more proactive about jobs and housing, and not relied on her contacts so much, but in the end I don’t think it would have mattered much. It maybe would have prolonged things but not changed the outcome.

My uncle and aunt who lived a few hours away knew what was going on and they very generously offered to help me out. They moved me into their house, lined up a job, and helped me get back on my feet in the city where I now live.

About 2 years later, I met the woman who became my wife. We dated, got engaged, and then got married on August 14 2009.

There were many ups and downs — christmas 2013 stands out for reasons I won’t post here.

Summer 2015 I believe was the beginning of the end. Early June I fell and broke my shoulder (due to my landlord neglecting to maintain a safe living environment). I was still able to work my full time job, but I had to quit my 2nd job, because it was a physical job and I couldn’t perform it with a broken shoulder. 10 days later my wife’s youngest brother comitted suicide. A month or so after that, I started to slide into the deepest depression I’ve faced yet. Months and months of almost-constant suicidal thoughts. There were moments of happiness, but they were short-lived. I was very irritable, easily angered. My temper grew short and I was always on edge.

Late 2016 my wife told me she wanted a separation, with the intent of divorce.

Which leads to current day. Still in the same city. Since that nasty bout of depression, in combination with my wife loosing a sibling to suicide, was the kick I needed to seek help. I’ve since been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder, with recurring depression. I’m on medication, and have been going for regular counselling. I’ve been doing well, all things considered. It’s been hard, yes. There are days where it’s been incredibly difficult to force myself out of bed and go to work. There are days where I have to force myself to “self-care” — meaning do things for ME. I’m slowly learning to take my health — mental, physical, and emotional — more seriously. But I’m making progress.

This is all back story. Tune in tomorrow.

P.S. Please excuse any spelling or gramatical errors. Usually I’ll check for such things. Today, I just thought and typed. This is about as raw as it gets.