10 Strategies to Put Down Your Phone and Get Back to Life
Overcome the struggle to disconnect
A few months ago, I was in a training with seven or eight people. At one point we took about a ten minute break. As I looked around the room, every single person took their phone out and was completely immersed in it. Not a single word was spoken until the training resumed. It was as if each of them was being drawn in by some unseen and unheard force.
I suspect you have witnessed similar scenes, whether at work, the grocery store, or a social gathering. It’s likely you have also experienced your own difficulty disconnecting from your phone. I am no exception to this.
Modern technology has become intertwined with daily life in far-reaching ways. Much of this is no longer optional, as navigating daily life necessitates the use of the supercomputer in your pocket. To make matters worse, many popular platforms are purposefully designed to hold your attention for as long as possible, no matter how important it is for you to put the phone down and attend to something else.
We enjoy historically unprecedented convenience and connectivity, but it has come at a serious cost. Social relationships, sleep, and safe driving have been jeopardized. There are countless opportunities to be distracted from the most important parts of day-to-day life happening right in front of us.
Take a moment to think about the ways in which technology has enhanced and intruded on your life.
The Need for Change
None of this appears to be going away anytime soon. Future technologies and platforms are likely to be even more persuasive and captivating than the ones we currently use. Systemic changes and societal shifts may someday lead to technology that is more closely aligned with our best interests, and that certainly needs to be debated and discussed.
In the meantime, at the individual level there is an opportunity to develop a healthier relationship with technology. Below is an overview of ten strategies that can help you accomplish that. Some of these strategies overlap with and reinforce each other. Each of them involves changing your thinking and/or behavior. These are not quick fixes; if there was a quick fix you wouldn’t be reading this article. Strategies #1 and #10 are about educating yourself; the rest will require practice, trial and error, and persistence.
Strategy #1: Learn About Persuasive Technology
If you are struggling to set limits with how much time you spend on social media or other apps, this isn’t just due to bad habits or lack of willpower on your part. Many of these platforms are designed to capture your attention for as long as possible. This is driven by the business model that has emerged over the last decade or so. The more time you spend on a social media platform, the more advertisements you can be exposed to. Social media platforms make money by selling this ad space.
But it goes further than that. These companies also make money by collecting information about you from your online behavior and selling that data to advertising agencies so the ads you see become more and more tailored to you. When you are on social media, you are not the customer. You are the product, and the advertising agencies are the customers. This is why platforms are incentivized to keep your eyeballs on them for as long as possible.
A good place to start is the Center for Humane Technology, which was founded by Tristan Harris. You may recognize him from the Netflix documentary, The Social Dilemma. If you haven’t seen it, then it is also a good starting point for learning about persuasive technology. The literature on this topic is growing, and books written in recent years offer valuable information on it (I will recommend a couple further down).
When you are armed with knowledge of how these technologies are designed to capture your attention, you can make more informed, mindful decisions about how and when you use them.
Strategy #2: Use Gradual Exposure to Reduce Anxiety about Being Away from Your Phone
Anxiety underpins much of the difficulty people have disconnecting from their phones. This type of anxiety has become so common that a term has been coined for it: nomophobia (as in no mobile phone phobia). FOMO (fear of missing out) is often a big part of this.
One of the most effective treatments for all forms of anxiety is exposure and response prevention, otherwise known as gradual exposure or exposure therapy. This involves putting oneself in anxiety-inducing situations in a gradual and structured manner. The goal is to reduce anxiety and increase behavioral flexibility in situations that evoke anxious feelings.
The same process can be implemented with your phone. The first step is to identify situations in which you don’t need to be on your phone but can’t seem to disconnect from it. This will be most effective if you can connect these situations to something that’s important to you (e.g. being a good listener when having a conversation with a friend or loved one, being fully present when playing with your kids, being productive at work, etc.).
After that, you can begin planning opportunities to practice being without your phone starting with small steps and working your way upward (this is known as constructing a hierarchy). For example, you could start with leaving your phone in your pocket or purse when you are in line for the cashier at the grocery store or in the waiting room of a doctor’s office. A more challenging step could be leaving your phone in another room when you have friends over.
Most exposure opportunities will be easier to implement if you customize notification settings. If certain people in your life are accustomed to quick responsiveness from you, letting them know that you will not be as immediately available will also be important. More on both of these points later.
Work, home, social settings, and running errands all present possibilities for experimenting with keeping your phone put away. The more you practice these exposure opportunities, the more comfortable it will feel to have distance from your phone when it is likely to interfere with what is important to you in life. These experiences will also allow you to develop healthier beliefs about when you truly need access to everything your phone can do and when it is doing more harm than good.
Strategy #3: Engage in More Single-Tasking
Smartphones, smartwatches, and other devices have increased multitasking possibilities exponentially. Multitasking can be beneficial and enjoyable in certain situations, but in others it comes at a significant cost.
Research has shown that there is a significant decrease in performance and ability to stay on task when engaging in two or more tasks at a time or frequently switching from one task to another. Multitasking and task switching have also been shown to decrease working memory performance (your ability to accurately store and recall short-term information).
You are most likely to experience these negative effects if you engage in two or more tasks that are cognitively demanding (e.g. having a conversation with the person in front of you while responding to a text message or scrolling through Facebook). This is due to inherent limitations in the cognitive control abilities of the human brain. Neuroscientist Adam Gazzaley and psychologist Larry Rosen describe this in their book, The Distracted Mind:
“Our brains do not parallel process information, as demanded by many of our daily activities, if those activities both require cognitive control. This failure of our brain to truly multitask at a neural level represents a major limitation in our ability to manage our goals.”
From work to home to social situations, there are plenty of practical opportunities to practice doing one thing at a time and experiencing the benefits of doing so. The idea is not to eliminate multitasking altogether. Rather it is to restrict multitasking to situations in which it is actually beneficial and does not come at a significant cost.
Here are a few practical examples of strategic single-tasking:
· Keeping your email closed when you’re working on something else on your computer
· Refraining from texting or using other apps when having a conversation with someone (either in person or over the phone)
· Staying off all devices when you are driving (more on that below)
Being more purposeful about when and how you multitask is another component of this strategy. Combining an active task with a passive one is one way to optimize multitasking, for example cleaning the house while listening to a podcast.
This strategy is not merely about practicality and productivity; it is also about being fully present and engaging in life more mindfully. There is a significant difference in quality of experience between watching a TV show with a friend without distractions and doing so while scrolling through social media and responding to texts. Focusing solely on playing with your kids fosters more connection and bonding than doing so while repeatedly checking in with your phone. Reading a book with undivided attention is more enjoyable than reading with repeated digital interruptions.
Think through common daily experiences and ask yourself if interruptions and distractions from your phone are enhancing or degrading those experiences.
You can also single-task when you do use your phone. When you decide to take a break from focusing on another task, responding to texts or going through your inbox can become single tasks in themselves. This will be easier to implement if you change the notification settings on your phone, so you aren’t bombarded with distractions and interruptions from other apps, which is described in the next strategy.
Strategy #4: Take Control of Notifications
The default notification settings for most apps leave you with a flood of distractions and interruptions. Your phone can reach out to you and disrupt your focus through texts, social media alerts, news notifications, and more. If these distractions and interruptions are interfering with your day-to-day life, there are two important steps you can take.
The first step is to change the default notification settings for the various apps on your phone. For example, it might be useful to turn off all social media notifications. That way you will only engage with social media when you decide to open those apps. Turning off all banner notifications can help you to focus on one phone-related task at a time.
The second step is to use the built-in and customizable focus settings that are now available on most smartphones. Each focus setting restricts notifications even further, tailored to specific circumstances (e.g. work or sleep). You can modify each one of these focus settings to suit your needs. In each focus setting, notifications can be restricted by app or by person.
You can also create custom focus settings. My favorite custom focus setting on my iPhone is what I call “Home Phone.” When this focus setting is turned on, the only notifications that can come through are phone calls, reminders, and calendar alerts. My smartphone is essentially turned into the equivalent of a landline phone with sticky notes for important reminders. I use this mode when I am reading, writing, or doing anything else that I do not want to be disrupted by text messages or other alerts. I also use it when I have friends over, which allows me to leave my phone in another room knowing it will ring if someone needs to contact me about something important. This enables me to focus on one task or activity at a time while still being available if someone needs or wants to talk to me immediately. My friends and family know that I use this mode regularly and will call rather than text if it is something urgent; this is described in more detail in strategy #6.
Strategy #5: Limit the Apps on Your Phone
This takes the previous strategy even further. If you’ve accumulated several apps on your phone, it’s likely that many of them are not necessary to have access to 24/7.
Think about which apps are truly critical for day-to-day life and which ones are just giving you more opportunities to be distracted and interrupted. A good place to start is taking social media apps off your phone and only using those platforms on a computer. This will prevent you from going down a social media rabbit hole at an inopportune time. Additionally, you will mitigate the negative effects of heavy social media use, including unfairly comparing yourself to others and overindulging in emotionally charged content.
You may find that other kinds of apps aren’t worth keeping on your phone. News apps, financial apps, and games are good candidates for this strategy. For example, I found myself checking my stock ticker app frequently throughout the day. This was not only distracting but completely unnecessary. I took that app and all my financial apps off my phone, and now I check in with my investments on my computer once every two weeks.
Deciding which apps are and aren’t truly necessary requires looking at your underlying beliefs about how you use technology; more on that later. If you decide that you don’t want access to social media 24/7, you may also need to be transparent about this with people who are used to you being accessible and immediately responsive on those platforms. Changing those expectations of others is described in the next strategy.
Strategy #6: Set Healthier Expectations with Others in Your Life
Constant connectivity has created new expectations and norms around communication and availability. This certainly varies from person to person, but in general there is an increased sense of urgency in responding to the various kinds of communication enabled by modern technology. Additionally, and paradoxically, the flood of information and multitasking that typifies smartphone use makes it more likely that you will forget to respond to an important text or email.
Setting limits on how and when you use your phone will likely require transparency about this with important people in your life. If you decide to make a concerted effort not to use your phone when you are focusing on work, spending time with a friend, or driving, it will be important to let others know that you may not respond to texts or other messages as quickly as you usually do.
Using focus settings that block text notifications but allow phone calls to come through can be helpful here. You can let people know that in certain situations they can call you if they need or want to talk to you right away. Checking and responding to text messages can become a solo task rather than something you do continuously while engaging in other tasks and activities.
Changing these expectations and norms with the people around you can have positive ripple effects. As great and convenient as texting can be, it’s ultimately a watered-down form of communication. Spending less time texting with people means you will have more to discuss when you talk on the phone or spend time with them in person. It’s also easy to fall into a pattern of staying in touch with certain people primarily by texting, without making time to catch up over the phone or get together. If you’ve noticed this pattern in some of your relationships, reducing your availability to communicate by text message can help you to make a more concerted effort to catch up over the phone or get together with those people.
Strategy #7: Disconnect from Your Devices Before Bed
Consistently getting enough sleep is a challenge. Digital devices have complicated this challenge in recent decades.
Smartphones, tablets, and other screens emit blue wave light, which suppresses melatonin release, an important part of initiating sleep. Most of these devices have settings that change the light they emit to warmer colors that interfere less with melatonin release. This is helpful, but only partially solves one of the problems here.
Typical nighttime habits like scrolling through social media, texting, or going through your email are cognitively and emotionally stimulating. That level of stimulation is counterproductive when your mind and body need to start winding down toward sleep.
Figuring out a nighttime routine that doesn’t allow your phone to degrade your sleep will likely require a variety of steps. Using and customizing the sleep focus settings on your phone is a good place to start. You can even set a schedule for the sleep focus settings to automatically turn on after a certain time. If certain people in your life are used to being able to communicate with you up until you go to bed, changing those expectations will also be important.
Lastly, you will need to decide on relaxing activities to replace your usual pre-bed screen time. Reading physical books and listening to music or podcasts are good options. If you choose to watch TV, watching something that is not distressing is ideal.
For a much deeper dive into the science of sleep, including strategies for better sleep in the modern hyper-connected world, I recommend the book Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker.
Strategy #8: Stay off All Devices While Driving
If you only take one recommendation from this article, I hope it is this one.
Using your phone for any reason while driving significantly increases your chances of an accident. Thousands of people are killed and hundreds of thousands are injured every year in accidents caused by distracted driving.
Texting and driving not only takes your eyes and at least one hand off the wheel, but also reallocates cognitive resources that are critical to driving safely. The same is true for anything that involves picking up your phone while driving. This issue has worsened in recent years due to the popularity of smart watches, which provide another distraction to take your eyes and attention off the road.
Many smartphones automatically turn on driving focus mode when you start driving. This can be helpful by eliminating notifications while you are driving, but it doesn’t stop you from picking up your phone. Changing your habits is critical, and it might save your life (or the life of someone else).
To change your habits, you will likely need to change your beliefs about the need to use your phone or smartwatch while you are driving. It might be convenient to read that text message from your friend letting you know that they will be 15 minutes late to the restaurant, but the cost of waiting to read that text until you park the car is nothing compared to the potential costs of an accident.
Using voice to text or having a phone conversation hands-free while driving might be legal, but it is equally dangerous due to the reallocation of cognitive resources required to engage in those tasks. If you are used to doing any of these things while driving, changing those habits might be challenging, but it might also save your life.
Changing the expectations of others to have access to you through your phone while you are driving is another important component here. If you decide to make a concerted effort to change these habits, communicate that to people in your life. One of the ways you can take advantage of the customizability of focus settings is to set an automatic reply that will state that you are driving and will respond when you are able to do so.
Strategy #9: Examine and Modify Your Beliefs about Your Devices
All of these strategies are underpinned by changing how you think about the best way to use technology. It has become normalized to believe that it is ideal to always be available, that multitasking and frequent task switching is beneficial, and that it is worthwhile to allow technology to intrude on sleep and safe driving. It is also common to believe that it is necessary to have access to social media, news, and all manner of other information 24/7.
There are several forces at play driving these beliefs. Some of it is due to the strong attention-capturing nature of persuasive technology and the business model behind these platforms. FOMO drives a misguided belief that continuous access to social media, news, and the rest of the information at your fingertips is necessary so we don’t miss out on something important. Misunderstanding of the brain’s cognitive control limitations and the costs of multitasking and task switching lead to behavior that degrades performance and mindful engagement.
Changing these beliefs will require more than reading and thinking about them. Modifying your behaviors and habits based on these strategies can provide valuable experiences to develop healthier beliefs about how technology best fits into your life and supports what is important to you. Those experiences will strengthen those beliefs, which will in turn strengthen your habits, creating a positive feedback loop.
Strategy #10: Read Books that Delve Deeper into These Issues
Much has been written about the challenges of navigating the modern technological landscape, and the literature is growing.
A good starting point is Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. It’s not too heavy of a read, and it offers valuable insight and a practical approach to reducing the hold of technology on your life.
For a deeper dive, I suggest Stolen Focus by Johann Hari, which explores the various factors that have led to worsening fragmentation of attention across society.
Each of these first two books includes valuable information on the design of persuasive technology.
If you’re interested in the scientific aspects of attention and how technology exacerbates our built-in cognitive control limitations, I recommend The Distracted Mind by Adam Gazzaley and Larry Rosen. Gazzaley is a neuroscientist and Rosen is a psychologist; both have conducted extensive research into the impact of technology on cognitive functioning and behavior. Learning more about the misalignment between how the brain works and the counterproductive behaviors and decisions modern technology facilitates can help you to reinforce many of the strategies described above.
Is Any of This Worth the Effort?
A thought exercise might help clarify the answer to this question. Imagine yourself in the future, at 100 years old, reflecting on how you spent your time throughout your life.
Do you think you will think fondly of the time you spent watching TikTok videos, playing Candy Crush, or reading the latest up to the second news stories? Will you take pride in how much you tweeted, the longevity of your snap streak, or the likes and comments on your Instagram posts? Will you measure the quality of your relationships by how often you texted with people and liked each other’s Facebook posts?
I doubt you will measure your life based on those things. It’s more likely a life well lived will be measured by quality time spent with the people important to you, dedication to your passions and interests, and the difference you made through your work.
Technology has advanced so quickly in recent years that many of us have not had the chance to stop and think about the best way to fit it into our lives. These advancements can certainly enhance what makes life truly meaningful, but only with a mindful, intentional approach. This means fitting technology around the most important parts of your life, not the other way around.
If you are struggling with technological intrusion into the important areas of your life, I hope you find these strategies helpful.
