Goodbye Diet Coke

Dear Diet Coke,

When I was young, you sucked me in with a sweet and sensational first fizzy feeling. Bubbles that made me feel happy, refreshed and relaxed. You quickly became my favourite drink, savouring you a few times a week. People around here normally finished their week with a nice cold beer but I was always happy with a nice cold can of you.

I rarely drank, I didn’t do drugs, I didn’t smoke but I did drink you. But what’s the difference really? Your advertising sure looks the same as those old smoking adverts. A promise of youth, beauty and bright white smiles. At first, I was blissfully unaware of your lies and was happy knowing we were okay for each other. Sure, you weren’t perfect but what is?

As time went on, I learned that you’d lied to me. I didn’t really know you at all! Your fizzy feelings were actually aspartame lies, and as I peeled away your silver mask I discovered your promises were a scam. Youth, beauty and bright white smiles? More like life threatening disease and addiction.

I was just about ready to recycle you for the last time but for some reason, even with your flaws, I couldn’t let you go. We bounced in and out of love, me promising I’d left you for the last time, only to reach back into the fridge to take you back. Each satisfying pop of the can reassuring me that I’d made the right decision.

This time, we’re over for good. You’re the smoking I wish my loved ones would quit, the alcohol people rely on and the high people chase. You’re the 21st century poison: socially acceptable, easily accessible and entirely normalised. Diet Coke – just wait, in 20 years, everyone will see you for what you are, a two faced liar. Half glitzy alternative, half aspartame poison.

P.S Tell your other aspartame friends I don’t want to hang with them either.

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