New York Grievances, Ranked
A list of struggles in list format
62. Hot subway smell (non-urine)
61. When someone shows up with sub-par bagels (almost exclusively found at office meetings)
60. The bittersweet knowledge that any new/renovated transit station will soon be covered in the black pox of discarded gum
59. Wayward frisbees in the park
58. Subway smell (urine)
57. Cyclists riding on the sidewalk (children)
56. Subway delays (minor, cause unknown)
55. Slow walkers (no phone)
54. Out-of-town relatives who don’t understand why a five-mile work commute takes 45 minutes (“It takes me 20 minutes to get to my office 30 miles away.”)
53. Wayward children on scooters
52. Crossing the street only to realize the sidewalk is blocked due to construction
51. The charade of drinking beer out of a brown bag in the park (just legalize it!)
50. Reckless delivery people on motorized bicycles
49. That coffeeshops usually close by 6:00 p.m.
48. Those lakes of dirty water that form by pedestrian crossings after a rain
47. Dirty snow
46. Cyclists riding the wrong way down one-way streets
45. Bars that only take cash
44. Restaurants that only take cash
43. Slow walkers (tourists, gawking and pointing, unaware of the unwritten rules of urban life)
42. Slow walkers (staring down at phone)
41. Subway cropdusters
40. People who evangelize about Astoria
39. Buying more groceries than you can carry home
38. The gall it takes to serve a subpar slice of pizza
37. Gourmet food courts
36. All the open washer/dryers at the laundromat being broken
35. Events scheduled before 8:00 p.m. on weekdays
34. No washer/dryer in your building
33. Foolhardy attempts at driving out of town on Friday afternoons
32. Unimaginative Brooklyn-style menus that all offer the same shit
31. Unimaginative establishments that all try to look like Schiller’s and/or a rustic kill room
30. People who order chain pizza
29. New York Times articles that are consistently five years behind the trend the article is claiming to have discovered
28. Whatever it is that Penn Station smells like
27. Cyclists riding on the sidewalk (adults)
26. Long lines at restaurants/food stands recently hyped in a blog, show, or article — i.e. people not realizing that in New York, nothing is ever worth waiting an hour for; there’s always somewhere else to go that’s nearly as good
25. Subway delays (sick passenger)
24. Subway delays (track fire)
23. Subway conductors who’ve sort of figured out how to work the train but can’t quite master speaking into an intercom
22. Attempting to grab lunch/midday beer in a place occupied by BoCoCa/Slope parents who’ve waved the white flag on disciplining their children (or in lieu of parenting, attempt to engage in a civilized exchange of ideas with a toddler more interested in clusterbombing the cramped space with gluten-free cereal)
21. Dishwasher-less kitchens
20. That your downstairs neighbor has exclusive access to the backyard
19. Your next-door neighbor who can’t cook but keeps trying out pungent new recipes
18. Santacon
17. City income tax
16. A group of associates stretched across the width of the sidewalk (likely also walking slowly or, worse, stopped completely, like human arterial clots)
15. People who wait until they get to the turnstile to look for their Metrocard
14. People who stop at the bottom or top of subway station stairs
13. People who claim New Yorkers are rude (go fuck yourself)
12. Alternate side parking
11. That dude edging into your personal space on a crowded subway (it’s always a dude)
10. A by-and-large ineffectual local government that serves the needs of its ambitious career politicians more than it does the nearly 9 million people who live in the Five Boroughs
9. Showtime
8. Subway delays (police investigation or “incident”)
7. Friends with rent control
6. The swift inexorability of bro/basic creep wherever you like hanging out
5. Subway delays (signal problems or trains rerouted over your line)
4. People who refuse to meet you in Brooklyn in 2018
3. Being forced to exit the train because it is now running express due to aforementioned delays
2. Friends who move away and tell you they’re happy and doing well (they aren’t)
- Motherfucking broker’s fees
Dane A. Wisher lives in Brooklyn.
