ONLY
Dear Friends,
I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you mean well if you respond to the civil rights cry of our time “Black Lives Matter” with your own revelatory burst of — I don’t know what you’re trying to prove — “All Lives Matter!” and if you type on social media, it’s usually followed by several exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!
Saying ALL LIVES MATTER is akin to telling people of color “Your message of concern, fear and the need for change isn’t worth hearing.” It is not a reaction of “we’re all in this together.” It’s defensive and childish and divisive. Why must any energy have to be spent to clarify that saying BLACK LIVES MATTER is not saying other lives don’t matter or black lives matter MORE THAN other groups? The ONLY you imagine preceding BLACK LIVES MATTER is enough proof you aren’t paying attention. BLACK LIVES MATTER is a chorus of people — of all races by the way — who have seen enough or experienced enough that they feel compelled to say something in hopes that people like you will help focus on a crisis that cuts to the core of our human values and the soul of our communities.
In this age of hashtag protests the BLM movement is saying “Can we please take a look at this crisis and make it just, fair and safe for ALL OF US?” So, especially if you are white, instead of being defensive when people who lack the privilege afforded to you and I by our white skin start asking for help, try listening to their concerns and being part of the solution. I am sure you are well intentioned but stop. Just stop because your ONLY, the one you put there, is not helpful. It hurts more people. It diminishes lives. It divides people when you see ONLY.
ALL LIVES MATTER marginalizes the lives you claim to care about. It elbows out the people who are crying out for justice and takes ownership of the message the BLM movement is trying to give voice to. Just like appropriating all things from black culture, ALL LIVES MATTER is an attempt to do the same whether you understand it or not. If all lives really matter to you then let the lives wrapped in various shades of black and brown have the floor because the experiences they’ve been through and the fear the encounter on a daily basis is real. There is nothing about racism that is imagined. They have something to say and you aren’t listening.
And do not let a lone mad gunman or any other lunatics who bastardize the BLM movement make an entire group be held accountable for their evil and idiotic behavior. You don’t hold other groups to that standard. When Dylan Roof murdered nine black churchgoers in South Carolina last year did you blame all white people? All Christians? All skinny young dudes with bad haircuts? NO. Check yourself before you start blaming BLM supporters for the deeds of a few.
Black Lives Matter BECAUSE All Lives Matter. That is the point. Why does it have to be explained? The fact so many feel the need to march, shout, hashtag and protest in order to claim the value of their life should give you pause not make you defensive. It should make you wonder why they feel they need to say it. Why are they proclaiming their life meaningful? After centuries, generation after generation being told that they mattered less, it is bold and brave to say it. Maybe you should affirm it rather than minimize it.
The history of America is littered with shameful treatment of people of color. Connecting the dots doesn’t take a rocket scientist. Is it your fault, no. But racism is embedded into the fabric of our society. It stains our history. It bleeds into things that white folks like me don’t ever consider because we don’t have to. I want everyone to have a chance. I want everyone to feel safe. I want everyone to be loved. When you say ALL LIVES MATTER you might mean well but what you’re asking is for People Of Color to step down, step back and mind their place. You are doing the very thing to them that has been done to them all along, while asking they concede the equalness of their lives to yours. The very message of their song is about the lack of equality in their life experience. How is that lost on you?
If ALL LIVES MATTER then say their names: Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, Walter Scott — shall I continue? They all matter, right? Well, they are all dead and there are some, like me, who think that their lives and the lives of the countless others actually do matter and that Black Deaths Matter too. Philando Castile died in his car next to his girlfriend and her daughter. His own Governor, Mark Dayton, said that had he been white he would likely have lived. Chilling candor from a sitting Governor to admit. If all lives mattered the same, Mr. Castile would have made it home from the grocery store and had dinner with his family. Instead he died on Facebook Live on a summer night. And still you say ALL LIVES MATTER.
I don’t pretend to have all the answers. Hell, I don’t even know all the right questions. But, like you, I am sick of hate breeding more hate and lives being lost for no reason. I believe life is beautiful and I believe that all of you matter and for that reason I stand up when I see something I feel is wrong and say what I think. We are in this together. We don’t always agree and we don’t always even understand each other but I hope we find a way to exercise much more empathy as we move forward.
I give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to believe most of us are good, well intentioned and kind. I give you the benefit of the doubt because you cry out “All Lives Matter!!!” and I pause to consider it.
If ONLY it were true.
Much Love.
Your Friend,
Dane