We Cannot Find Our Shoes

Photo: Daniel Hogan, Death Valley National Park

We cannot find our shoes. We have looked everywhere. We have looked upstairs and downstairs, in the garage, and behind the piano. We have even looked in the closet, but cannot find our shoes.

We called our mother, who suggested we take a walk to get our mind off the matter. Thanks, Mom.

We sent messages to our friends, at least the ones who generally respond quickly to our texts, but apparently they’re all out perambulating in their shoes.

We cannot find our shoes. We started a juice regimen and are weighing the benefits of a locally foraged, vegan, raw, gluten free lifestyle, but still cannot find the clarity of mind required to locate our shoes.

We have consulted priests, shamans, rabbis and a litany of other TV hosts and Internet personalities. We have read the Bible. OK, not the whole Bible like where it talks about not eating pork and shellfish and whatnot. But some, if not most, of the relevant parts we have read.

We have tried connecting with the children, who we presume made our shoes. It’s really a shame, since they have such young and promising hands, but when it comes to locating our shoes they’re kind of useless.

We used to be able to find our shoes. We would lose them all the time. And then find them again. Lose them, find them. One minute, no shoes. Next minute, we have shoes. Now we feel like we will never find our shoes again.

We are aware that others are also missing their shoes. Some never had shoes, and probably don’t have the means to buy any. Some threw theirs away. But our shoes are barely broken in. To be fair, we could buy new ones. But we like our shoes. And they’re here, somewhere. That’s the part that’s killing us. We do not need new shoes. We need to find our shoes.

Generally speaking, we have it together. We wear stylish pants and favor slim-fitting shirts with trendy patterns. We save the extra buttons that come with our shirts and file them by color, style and date of purchase. We know where our buttons are. And even if we lost one, we could easily replace it. In fact, sometimes someone will just happen to be missing a button and we will run home, locate the proper replacement, and get it to them in a timely and courteous fashion. We cannot find our shoes.

For those of you who have shoes, we sincerely hope you enjoy them. Love them and cherish them. They are precious.

We will keep looking for our shoes.