Recently, I’ve begun to see in colour again.
I used to see in colour, before my monster grew and held me hostage in a world of grey. I used to feel the colours flood my senses, allowing myself to be open to experience life and love and hope.
Without realising it, I became colourblind. I became numb to the full spectrum which once engulfed me and painted my world.
But now, the colour is beginning to seep back in.
Once again, I can feel the blue sky, taste the fresh air, hold the ocean in my eyes.
My monster has begun to grow smaller. It still gently tugs at the edge of my conscious, adding perfect contrast to my good days.
For without the dark, we wouldn’t see the stars.
I have no regrets.
My scars weave a story of songs sung, love lost, trust broken, promise held. A song of growing hope, yet a song drenched deeply with darkness. A song of a heart hurting, but desperately trying to mend.
I wasn’t sure if I had anything left with which to sing, but I wasn’t sure my song was ready to end.
I wasn’t sure how to continue living, but I wasn’t yet ready to die.
My indecision was my undoing, but yet, my indecision is what holds me here today.
I faced the most integral crossroad of my story so far-
The crossroad where I was forced to decide
and my monster winning.
For a while, I faced the darker road.
It wasn’t the easier option, nor the correct one.
It was just another road.
But, as with all crossroads, we must eventually choose one. I faced into my storm, enticed by the promise of quiet in my mind.
And I turned the other way.
I reserve the right to change my mind. The right to not be defined my my sadness, nor held it’s hostage forever.
I realised that while trapped in my storm, wishing for sunshine is futile. In order to find the sun, I need to learn to appreciate the rain.
In order to choose life, I need to fully engage with my decision.
I need to fully open myself to the full spectrum of colour, and allow myself to become engulfed-
in the unknown
in blissful indecision
in good days and in bad
I have no regrets. My monster is so integral to the essence of who I have become, as there is no way I can experience a full spectrum of emotion without adding each individual colour to my ever growing palette.
No longer am I content to be defined by my sadness.
The storm clouds are clearing, and little by little, I can see hope seeping through.