Turbulent Roller Coaster Called Love

SO last night you told me you loved me. Not once, not twice… but multiple times. I told you I loved you back without a shadow of a doubt. We were crying in my bed…pouring out feelings from the past up until now. I wiped away your tears and you held me until the morning comforting me and making me feel even more confused. The next day I text you “Will you be my boyfriend?” but all you can reply is “You can’t ask me that right now, we haven’t found common ground!!!”. How does this make sense?! All I want is to know that you will care for me and support me…. I don’t want to argue about what is right or wrong, how we disagree or how we aren’t on the “same page”. I want to be there for you believe me, but my insecurities are too deep where I am paranoid I might never be able to provide what you want from me. I will NOT be second-best. Let us start from the beginning. I have known you for more than a year and a half now; remember when we first met at the Trader Joes outdoor seating area.. me reading a philosophy book and eating a salad and you smiling trying to approach me smoothly..? It was the middle of February. You gave me your entrepreneur business card and at that moment I thought we would always be in each others lives, forever. You had a spiritual twinkle in your eye (not just from the sun) and I was automatically falling, fast. With a racing heart I was intrigued and felt a mad desire to get to know you. I knew you were unlike anybody I had ever met. Why you keep popping in my head at all hours of the day and night… Why I want boundaries when you push me too much to the point where I feel emotionally exhausted… and Why I want you closer when we are apart… I will never know! YOU hurt me. YOU weren’t in a good place when we got together but neither was I! We cannot point fingers but still we must learn from our mistakes and accept one another. I want you to man up and treat me like the woman I am. If you want to keep me in your life you need to show me, prove it to me. Money doesn’t concern me. Progress is nice until you start beating yourself up for not being ENOUGH or EXACTLY where you want to be. You are delaying all the memories we could be having right now. I know I could help you improve and become the best version of yourself if you allow me. We could be a team. But there are some things you have your friends for, and somethings that are meant just between you and me. (For example: Exercise, making out, quality time, talking about work/success…. these don’t all lump into one category). You need to let go of this obsession or at least readjust your priorities. If you aren’t gaining something out of the time that you aren’t working then what is the point?!?! I DO NOT FUNCTION LIKE THIS. Just try to show me you understand by valuing what I can offer, rather than what you WANT me to offer? (: Back to the history, we were not officially dating during the time we were hanging out, maybe that was my fault? We were camping, we were sleeping in each other’s beds, in other words we were both settling. We had conversations but we were going around in circles. I will never forget how many times you weren’t there for me, but I will no longer hold that against you. It happened and its done. BUT now I want you, I want us. I want a relationship… I want dates! Not just messing around or flirting in public. I don’t want to demand anything that isn’t a given, especially if you are having doubts. You could tell me I am beautiful and my body is blah blah blah, but I want to feel those sparks that you could be there if I KNEW I was the only one. All good things take time, they don’t all come at once. You beg me to kiss your neck well I can’t force that either. All these intimate acts don’t come naturally to me. I wish I could say I do not care how society influences us, how labels don’t define us, but they do. For my own self esteem and clarity… I need reassurance, I want the guy that I feel obsessed with, to meet me half way. Lets stop doing things backwards. Lets start slow and if that isn’t what you are used to/ what you want then leave me where you found me. You have had experience I know… but in my opinion experience does not always equal knowledge. I could do the same thing with a hundred guys, does that make me an expert?! NO. Stop stringing my heart along. I could put an end to it, I have tried, but you pull me back to the point where I feel powerless… compelled to come up for air like a whale spouting water from its blow hole. I stick with what is familiar, healthy or unhealthy who knows?! This familiarity, us meeting up and getting semi-physical its only a quarter or what COULD be. I am not rambling, and you know I have valid points, but whether or not you can accept them and trust me to move forward… that is completely up to you. I love you I do, and I know you could give be the one to make me happy. If only we fought less and you really took the time to understand why I am the way I am. Not every girl enjoys being told what to do… Not every girl craves sex without emotional intimacy. If you think you are wasting your time and that we should just stick with friends WITHOUT BENEFITS AND I MEAN ALL BENEFITS, just know I am here if you want to talk. I want the absolute best for you, whether it involves me or not. I have said my piece. I want you in my life forever, but its natural for us to be on different levels. I am willing to compromise on some things but I will not budge on others. The beauty in a relationship stems from the ups and downs, the uncertainty. We do not need to have all the answers worked out before we even try it out. Try to not let your stubborn nature rule all of your decisions. I know you are sensitive, gentle, and compassionate. Try to think more with your heart instead of your head. If we come to a mutual agreement then it is what it is. I need your support to move on whatever we decide. Help me because I cannot do this on my own. That is it. ❤

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