The parenting roller coaster
The thing about being a parent, you know? We learn a lot. We lose our temper, feel insecure (what the hell do I do now?), fuck up, regret it (and apologise), get scared (you discover a whole new level of fear), sometimes we do stuff that we know it’s not exactly ideal, but, heck, we do need a break (yes, love, you can watch another cartoon), sometimes give in just to avoid the fight, sometimes you don’t and there’s fight, you look at the watch, how long until bed time, so I can finally, finally, open a beer and think for 3 minutes straight without any interruptions and maybe, supreme luxury, go to the toilet all by myself for five fucking minutes.
(And then it’s bed time, you open the beer and hear “daaaaaadyiiieeEEeeyyy”and there you go again to see what is up this time, your beer getting warm and losing gas)
And also you get little lovely hugs, have surprising conversations with fresh views on things you always took for granted, spend an afternoon playing lego, mak up some silly stuff and do it again and again just because it makes the little person laugh, and you learn that what worked for your first do not work for your second (I have 2), and vice versa, and you discover that the little person don’t even talk yet but has opinions and know way more about what is going on than you would think, and then you snuggle and tell them all you know about this big world.
(And another worlds too: the other day we were reciting the planets from the solar system in order and, yeah, I included Pluto cos old habits die hard).
And then things blow up again, there’s crying, and theres “dad dad dad dad”repeated about 50 billion times, and someone says “ooops”while you’re looking at the baby and you turn and there’s milk all over the floor you JUST CLEANED, and you go pick a cloth to clean “dad, my little brother is drawing. On the TV.”
(With the USB end of the PS3 controller cable. I searched the internet and all tricks to remove the scratches failed, I even bought the best rubber Icould find. The scratches are still there).
And then you think “how much long until they grow up” and regret immediately, “I wish they never grow up”, regret it again and think “I hope they grow up slowly and haply and I’m there all the way to see it”.
(And that they do not destroy much more electronics meanwhile).
We have good moments, but everybody has bad moments too, and it’s okay, you don’t have to feel the worst dad in the world because you said “the heck with that, today is pasta and nuggets” because the whole organic balanced meal with nutrients retrieved from Mother Gaia’s bosom herself is just not gonna happen.
(But next day you discover a new recipe with healthy stuff that is just yummy).
And the whole thing is a rollercoaster, as is the mood of a little kid, that can be the happiest and saddest person in the whole world just five minutes apart in time.
Yes, it is hard. And yes, it is fantastic. And on this roller coaster we discover that our heart can split without breaking and go beat outside our chests while running and spinning across the living room as it repeats “dad dad dad” a billion times, at the same time driving you mad and madly in love.
Huh… I just wanted to share. Thanks for reading. Keep it strong, Mamas and Papas. Love.