Never Think Too Hard About What Happens in Skyrim
My most-loved bizarre & disturbing things in Skyrim
After playing 1,000+ hours of Skyrim, I can’t get over the most bizarre things about this game. From money-motivated marriages and unclassy divorces from the Goddess of Love herself, to the criminal justice system that couldn’t catch an over-encumbered Nord if it tried.
Marry for Money
Ah, Skyrim romance. The steps leading to marriage are so ludicrous and cynical, with more than a sprinkle of manipulation and calculation.
Hard not to be when you are marrying a generous passive income.
Get married in Skyrim, and your partner will give you 100 gold every single day.
The usual economic forces hold no sway in Skyrim, so you can guarantee a steady and reliable cash inflow (romance optional).
Simply head to the corrupt city of Riften to secure the right persuasive accessory — the Amulet of Mara — for your grand proposal.
Give a Riften priest — who’s probably paid to be in the Thieves Guild’s back pocket — a heads-up that you’re thinking of finding a victim (partner) very soon.
Approach your marriageable candidate — wearing the Amulet of Mara to send an unmissable beacon that says you’re single, on the market, and looking.
No need to pick a romantic spot, the side of the road or a skeever den will do.
Drizzle them with honeyed words, tell them you’re interested, and you’ll be married in the morning.
Your partner will then work behind the scenes at an unknown store, selling who knows what to who knows who.
Suspicious.
Better count the cutlery.
Get a Divine Divorce
If you’re looking to wipe your hands clean of your new marital money-maker, then simply take yourself to the temple and pray to the Goddess of Love.
For a divorce.
Our charming deity will send thugs to your home and drag your partner away like a John Wick clean up team. No mess. No paperwork.
Clean and classy.
You’re now free to track down your next victim when the gold runs low and you’re neck deep in investment properties.
Just tell them you love them.
M’aiq the Liar
He’s here. He’s there. This cat is everywhere. M’aiq is one mysterious kitty.
M’aiq is a walking easter egg. He gives you cryptic information about Skyrim’s new features and hints to previous games in The Elder Scrolls series.
He breaks the fourth wall on the daily.
M’aiq knows many things, no?
But there’s something seriously shady about this Khajiit.
Don’t bother being invisible around M’aiq. He sees you.
M’aiq is also a member of the Thieves Guild.
Even standing next to him as a werewolf or full-fledged vampire won’t upset the stoic M’aiq.
The three bottles of Skooma in his pocket might have something to do with it.
M’aiq is tired now. Go bother somebody else.
Wait, I Know You
Security cameras and facial recognition software haven’t graced Skyrim yet. Thank the divines!
Crimes are localised in Skyrim, so guards in one hold are completely clueless to your crimes in another.
You can be a sweet roll thief in Whiterun, a lollygagger in Solitude, a mass murderer in Falkreath, and a worshipped saint in Markarth.
When the main method of spreading information in Skyrim — the courier — is too (creepily) busy delivering inheritance letters to YOU. . . it’s no wonder that other holds don’t have the scoop on your immoral activities.
Skyrim’s criminal justice system functions about as well as Morthal’s water wheel.
But who’s complaining?
Horses Tough As Orcs
Skyrim’s horses are simply built of sturdier stuff. They ride slow and heavy like a drunk sailor but can tank their way up mountain slopes like child’s play.
When fast travel goes out of fashion, get yourself a Skyrim horse.
Or better yet, borrow one.
What Has It Got In Its Nasty Little Pocketses?
You are over-encumbered.
The true bane of our existence!
We were managing to carry all those cheese wheels, dragon bones, potions, and paraphernalia fine just a minute ago.
I even packed the two-handed greatsword.
Well, time to save a city and grab ourselves a housecarl. The only loyal companion we need who also acts as a bag of holding, door stopper, and ego trip in one noisy package.
No need to carry your burdens alone. In Skyrim, you can hire someone for that.
