Personally, Procrastination Makes Me a Dick of Person to be Around
Reading and then forgetting what I just read is common for me. How I feel when I read something, however, sticks with me. Anyway, I read that procrastination is a symptom of low self-worth and esteem. My attention focused in on that one sentence and how it informs how I feel about myself. If I knew I could never fail I’d always keep on going forward. When fear stops me in my tracks it’s usually because I’m full of self-doubt. What I hear over and over again is how dumb what I’m trying to write is and how I’m a talentless hack. I doubt that I could ever be good. My inner critic is a harsh little bully.
How I treat myself spills out into the world. I’ve been harsh with perfect strangers. I’ve been harsh with my family. Today someone pointed out that people are feeling beings, not concepts. He was kind to me in a moment where I’d been unkind to him. He didn’t have to do that. If I’ve been harsh to others it’s no wonder I never hear from them again. I’ve broken, burned, and destroyed so many relationships. It doesn’t take courage to be harsh. It takes courage to be kind.
My words affect other people and I need to focus on thinking before I speak. How have I been harsh? How much time do you have today?
In my past I told a coworker his breathe smelled and that he should chew gum before dealing with customers. Once in 5th grade, I told a girl she was pretty except for her nose. I’ve told people what they shouldn’t eat and that they’d lose weight if they listened to me. Basically, my life is riddled with examples. I’m sure there are plenty of moments I wouldn’t remember because I thought I was just being honest.
When I go into my childhood I find a lot of examples of why I might’ve developed the way I did. My mom was also really honest. When she was on the phone I was the kind of kid that would hide and listen to what she was saying. Many times I heard her talking about motherhood and her thoughts about all her children. She would say her son was her favorite child. She would complain about my difficult temperament and how I was a bad student. I just never in my life could belong. I felt I didn’t belong in my family and there wasn’t a place for me in the outside world either.
My experiences shaped and molded me. I started talking and telling it how it is without feeling remorse of the feelings of the person on the other side. Today I’ve noted that thoughtful people speak much more slowly and deliberately. I aim to emulate that. My impulsive cavewoman brain has a lot of learning yet.
My mindset had been focused on how I’m not good enough to even try to be successful. Procrastination is just one of the many symptoms of negative thought patterns for me. This might not be the case with everyone who procrastinates in any way, shape, or form. The harsh words I use against myself spill out. I realized that I’m harsh with everyone I meet… fuck.
There isn’t a part of me that wants to be alone. Or is there? Humans are social creatures. Even as an introvert I do love the company of people. However, I have always subconsciously pushed people away. The small, fear-based me doesn’t want to be seen. She doesn’t want to say hello to you. She wants to hide. She’ll do anything in her power to avoid striking up a conversation or calling a friend on the phone. She goes to great lengths to make up any excuse to not work out, not write, not focus on the goals she once said she was committed to completing. It’s too cold outside, my stomach hurts, I’m sleepy, today was such a long day, I can do it tomorrow.
Maybe I told myself I didn’t want to be alone but I didn’t truly believe that to be true. No one can hurt me if I’m alone. Alone, because it doesn’t matter if I procrastinate, there’s no one to hold me accountable anyway. Alone, because in the past reaching out to another human being and confiding in them got me nowhere. Sometimes being vulnerable got me a world of pain. I learned to never ask for help. I learned growing up that I wasn’t accepted as I was. To bother to do anything to change my state of being was pointless.
Procrastination is my little alert system that somehow I’m not valuing myself and my commitments. We all do this but only you alone can judge where you fall on the procrastination spectrum. In the past, I’ve fallen on the extreme end of procrastination. I’m unsure there was a bigger couch potato that could rival my Netflix and chill binges.
Now here I connect the dots. When I’m binging who I am with? I’m alone. When I’m binging I’m avoiding a responsibility and commitment I set for myself. When I’m avoiding, I feel guilty and my mind is telling me I’m a no good fuck up. When I can easily speak to myself that harshly it ends up being much more easy for me to be unaware when I speak like that to the people around me. The people around me don’t want to be around me anymore and the cycle of isolation comes full circle.
That’s an extreme example but it’s been true for me. I’m an extreme person. Whether or not I’ve decided consciously or unconsciously, I tend to go to extremes to test things out. Also, I’m not saying all this can apply to every person or situation. It can’t. It applies to me.
There isn’t enough time anymore to keep thinking I can procrastinate. That’s me not believing in myself. One second believing I don’t have value is a waste and a disservice to me and everyone else around me. Believing so easily that I don’t have value, for me personally, sets up the stage for my ability to be harsh with others and not giving it a second thought. That’s not ok. I can’t continue to move forward in life if I stay stuck in old patterns. Old patterns don’t open up new doors.
If you’ve been a procrastinator all your life and have found yourself isolated and alone saying mean things to yourself I’ll tell you what worked for me. I became committed to completing just one goal. My goal was to floss every night before going to bed. The health of my mouth thanks me every single day. It doesn’t have to be to floss for you although, I highly recommend that you do floss. It could be to commit going to the gym X number of days per week. Maybe try making your bed every day before you leave the house. There’s a sense of peace that envelops you when you come home to a clean and tidy bedroom.
Over time the effort you put into a small goal grows and you end up seeing results that fuel your desire to maybe commit to other and bigger goals. My suggestion is to start small and not waver. It doesn’t matter if you’re tired and want to collapse into bed at the end of the day, just do it anyway. Your bed will still be there when you get done and I promise it’ll be an endeavor well worth the effort.