Performative Femininity is Women’s Toxic Masculinity- and I Hate It

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m not talking about being “girly” or “feminine”.

I’m not talking about wearing pink, or dresses, or pink dresses, or heels, or makeup.

I’m not talking about being sweet, or nurturing, or liking rom coms or flowers or pretty things.

Femininity isn’t bad, and being feminine isn’t bad.

The dictionary defines “femininity” as: qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of women.

Having those qualities or attributes, regardless of gender, is not a bad thing, and I totally believe in embracing the strength and beauty of true femininity.

What I’m talking about is performative femininity- the unrealistic socially constructed ideals and standards (often created by media) placed on women.

Unhealthy hyperfeminity.

In other words, if toxic masculinity is the extreme and unhealthy expression of gender for men, performative femininity is the equivalent for women.

They may be on opposite sides of the spectrum, but they come from the same place- the intense pressure to adhere to a strictly constructed gender role or norm, regardless of personal identity.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being feminine or even hyperfeminine, if that’s what you’re comfortable with. What isn’t okay is expecting or pushing all women to comply with that.

That’s what I hate.

I hate feeling pressure to behave or appear a certain way in order to feel like enough of a woman.

I hate the insecurity that comes with knowing that I’ll never fit into that tight box, or live up to those standards, even though I know it’s not who I am and not who I want to be.

I hate that I compare myself to other women to see who’s performing better- and how I feel the need to put them down regardless of whether they’re doing “better” or “worse” than I am.

Because the worst part of performative femininity by far is how it pits women against each other.

I look at a woman who’s more “feminine” than me and think, wow. I could never be as good as her. I’m failing at this.

Then I turn around and see a girl who isn’t and think, at least I’m better than her. She isn’t even trying. What a slob.

I begin reducing the amazing girls and women around me to how well they jump through these irrelevant hoops, and I let that dictate not only how I think about my sisters but how I think about myself.

Performative femininity is dangerous and unhealthy because it places women’s inherent worth on their ability to comply with a societal construct even when that’s not who they are.

When did being a woman become a contest?

Because it shouldn’t be.

But it so often can feel like it is- and one we’re losing.

And we allow ourselves to feel like we’re losing, and feel inferior, and bad, because someone tells us we should.

So who is telling us we should?

So many of these standards comes from media trying to sell us things- the newest makeup, clothes, shampoo, lotion, skincare product, etc.

The only way for them to sell their product to us is to make us think that we need it.

The only way to make us think that we need their product is to make us think that we’re not good enough without it.

So companies work day in and day out to program us to believe that without whatever they have, we just aren’t good enough, or thin enough, or pretty enough, or woman enough.

They show us airbrushed models holding their product and tell us that that’s what beauty looks like. That’s what womanhood looks like. That’s what we need to look like.

And when we believe them, we’re buying into their strategy.

We’re essentially letting them exploit us.

We’re letting them break the legs of our self confidence and then sell us the crutches.

Society creates impossible standards and then we blame ourselves when we can’t achieve them.

Once again, I’m not saying there’s anything at all wrong with being feminine.

I just believe there’s more to being feminine than society and the media portrays, and real femininity has nothing to do with socially constructed standards.

If there’s a standard you don’t feel fits you, that does not make you a worse woman or person.

It does not make you less of a woman than the girl who does.

It does not make her less of a woman either.

Performative femininity often tries to disguise itself in the robes of self love and empowerment, but that’s just wrong.

It’s not true self love if it breeds self hate.

It’s not empowerment if that empowerment is dependent on feeling superior to other women.

That’s why I refuse to perform femininity.

That doesn’t mean I’m not feminine.

I’m very feminine- I just choose how I express my femininity, and only in ways I’m comfortable with.

If that means a dress, heels, and sparkly makeup, that’s amazing. Catch me confidently covered in glitter.

If that’s my brother’s hand me down sweatpants and my favorite batman hoodie, that’s awesome too. I’ll be strutting through the 7-eleven parking lot like I’m walking the red carpet.

Neither is right or wrong, because they’re both me.

Femininity is a spectrum, and it’s up to you where you want to be, and when, and how.

Anyone who wants to make you feel bad about that (including yourself) is buying into toxic propaganda that’s trying to use you.

Of course, these ideas are deeply rooted in us, and it can be a long process to unlearn, just like toxic masculinity.

The most important thing to remember is that true self love and empowerment comes from also loving and empowering other women.

We can’t accept our own flaws if we’re constantly picking at the shortcomings of others, and learning to admire and support the women around us without feeling insecure is the most freeing thing I have ever experienced.

When we begin to practice supporting other women, that begins to extend to ourselves.

When we stop performing and criticizing and comparing, and start accepting and empowering, we bring ourselves and other women up- and I honestly can’t think of a better expression of strong and healthy femininity than that.