This is the day when …
(this text was written on 21st June 2017)
This is the day when after a very long time I woke up and have not been feeling anxious. Something is changing. In me and around me. Or maybe it is only me and my view on life and the world. It changes a little every day yet very few times we notice. For me, it is very important that I noticed because lately, I have started feeling a bit uncertain of pretty much everything in my life.
How does that happen you ask? Oh, it’s very simple, but please, for your own safety, do not try this at home. It started with me wanting to follow my dreams and study a film school and to support myself I’ve had to work three jobs. But wait, it started even earlier. For this, I would have to go way back to my childhood and remember how I always wanted to have friends and good people around, and I had. Except for times when I felt like the loneliest person in the world. I don’t remember how it had happened, I just remember feeling so alone that I wanted to run away, leave my family and the country. Maybe that is why I have always felt like I wanted to travel — to escape. I guess most of you already know that it’s impossible to run away from things that bother you. Somehow miraculously they always manage to catch up with you in the worst possible situation and you have to deal with them. In that case, I can say I am lucky that I have never really managed to live abroad. I moved to different cities, yes, but I spent only about half a year living in a different country than I have been born in. And yet I still feel the urge to move to a place like Scottish Highlands or Ireland and live there in and with nature.
Well, to overworking myself — to the level where I managed to have overwrought muscle — you just add couple doses of doubt and there you go. Anxiety and depression come to life. There are people who try to help me and support me but so far only one truly understands what this all has been about and seems to know the solution to all this. We are meeting today so we will see about the outcome …
