Yosef Was a Pretty Boy: The Halakhot of Men Looking Fabulous
I always enjoy getting ready in the morning. Picking out an outfit, putting some gel in my hair. For me, feeling comfortable in my physical appearance inspires self confidence, expression. Yosef HaTzadik was also a very fashionable guy. A bit of a pretty boy, perhaps.
Twice in Parshat Vayeshev Rashi comments on Yosef’s focus with his physical beauty. First, at the beginning of the Parsha, Yosef is described as a Na’ar. Rashi cites the Midrash that:
והוא נער — שהיה עושה מעשה נערות, מתקן בשערו ממשמש בעיניו, כדי שיהיה נראה יפה:
And he was a boy: That he would act in boyish ways, fix his hair, play with his eyes, in order to look beautiful.
Primping is seen as the folly of youths and led Yosef to his downfall.
Also later on when Yosef is in Beit Potiphar (39:6) Yosef is described as Yefeh Toar v’Yafe Mareh (beautiful in appearance), a term usually reserved for women.
The next pasuk is the episode with Eishet Potiphar, the wife of Potiphar.
Rashi citing the midrash makes the connection:
ויהי יוסף יפה תואר כֵּיוָן שֶׁרָאָה עַצְמוֹ מוֹשֵׁל, הִתְחִיל אוֹכֵל וְשׁוֹתֶה וּמְסַלְסֵל בְּשַֹעֲרוֹ אָמַר הַקָּבָּ”ה אָבִיךָ מִתְאַבֵּל, וְאַתָּה מְסַלְסֵל בִּשְֹעָרֶךָ, אֲנִי מְגָרֶה בְךָ אֶת הַדּוֹב! מִיָּד:
And Yosef was beautiful in appearance: Once he saw that he was in charge, he began to eat, drink, and play with his hair. God said, ‘your father is in mourning, and you’re playing with your hair!? I will send the bear for you!’ Immediately […].
The Midrash views the episode with Eishet Potiphar as a punishment for Yosef’s focus on his beauty. Yosef’s pretty hair was his Achilles Heel.
So does the Torah frown upon male beauty? Is beauty a “womanly” thing that men should not be spending our time focusing on, or is there room for physical personal expression within Halakha?
One major issue that comes up is picking out white hair. The Shulchan Aruch in Hilchos Shabbos prohibits it based on the Issur of Lo Yilbash.
; וּמְלַקֵּט לְבָנוֹת מִתּוֹךְ שְׁחֹרוֹת, אֲפִלּוּ בְּאַחַת, חַיָּב וְדָבָר זֶה אֲפִלּוּ בַּחֹל אָסוּר מִשּׁוּם לֹא יִלְבַּשׁ גֶּבֶר שִׂמְלַת אִשָּׁה.
And picking white [hairs] from amongst black [hairs], even one, is punishable [on Shabbat, because of the prohibition against shearing], and doing on a weekday is also forbidden because of the prohibition of [a man] ‘Not Wearing’ [the clothes of a woman].
The Mishna Berura explains that picking out white hairs is a womanly thing. Men should not care about such things, thus it violates Lo Yilbash.
Relatedly, the Shulhan Arukh in Yoreh Deah 182:6 writes that dyeing white hair black is forbidden. Although interestingly, according to the Taz the opposite is allowed, and dying hair white is actually very in right now.
The Shulhan Arukh also prohibits men from looking in mirrors except for medical or business purposes (YD 156:2):
The Rema, however, gives a big caveat:
. הגה: וי”א הא דאסור לראות במראה היינו דוקא במקום דאין דרך לראות במראה רק נשים, ואית ביה משום לא ילבש גבר (דברים כב, ה) אבל במקום שדרך האנשים לראות ג”כ במראה, מותר.
Some say that that which it is forbidden [for men] to look in a mirror, that is only in a place where it is only common for women to look in a mirror, and thus it violates ‘A man shall not wear’ [the clothes of a woman]. But, in a place where men also look in mirror, it is permitted.
He defines the prohibition as being totally contextualized. If it’s in a place where men do it, men can do it.
The same discussion occurs with regards to shaving body hair (YD 182:1):
הַמַּעֲבִיר שְׂעַר בֵּית הַשֶּׁחִי וּבֵית הָעֶרְוָה… מַכִּין אוֹתוֹ מַכַּת מַרְדוּת.
בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים, בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁאֵין מַעֲבִירִין אוֹתוֹ אֶלָּא נָשִׁים, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יְתַקֵּן עַצְמוֹ תִּקּוּן נָשִׁים. אֲבָל בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁמַּעֲבִירִין אוֹתוֹ גַּם הָאֲנָשִׁים, אִם הֶעֱבִיר אֵין מַכִּין אוֹתוֹ
One who removes hair from his armpits or his pubic hair…gets punished for violating a Rabbinic prohibition. When is this said? In a place where only women do this, such that he shouldn’t make himself look like a woman. But in a place where men also do this, if he does so he does not get punished.
The Mehaber prohibits men shaving their body hair, specifically armpit and pubic hair, though admits if it’s a thing men do you wont get punished. But the rema adds…
. הַגָּה: וַאֲפִלּוּ לְכַתְּחִלָּה שָׁרֵי (ר’’ן פ’’ב דע’’ז). רַק הַחֲבֵרִים נִמְנָעִים בְּכָל מָקוֹם .
It is even totally allowed. Just that some pious people still refrain from doing so.
In a place where men commonly remove body hair, it is allowed even Lechatchila (100%), except for pious individuals. In each of these halakhot he understands the things men can’t do for beauty as existing within a context.
The Rema’s heter of understanding Lo Yilbash in a cultural context has many potential applications. In some ways, by definition if I am doing it and I am a man, then men do it. How far do we take this allowance?
Other questions arise. How about: Men getting manicures/painting nails? Piercings? Wearing makeup? Are these things allowed? According to the Prisha (R. Yehoshua Falk, d. 1614) we actually go by the standards of the Goyim, not just Jewish men when measuring the standard of what men commonly do (182:5). In New York City nowadays I guarantee you I can find you a critical mass of men who do all of these things. Is therefore nothing prohibited?
Some say that the Rema’s heter applies only in very limited cases (mirrors, shaving). According to the Chelkas Yaakov (R. Mordechai Yaakov Breish, d. 1976, YD 87), dyeing hair even for the purpose of business or preventing tza’ar is not allowed. The Lehoros Nassan (R. Natan Gastener, d. 2010, 2:70) limits the heter to cases where every man does it, not just a critical mass.
But others, including the Shu”t Yaskil Avdi (R. Ovadyah Hadayah, d. 1969, O”C 8:17:6), disagree and do extend the Rema to other cases. The Sridei Eish (R. Yechiel Yaakov Weinberg, d. 1966, 2:81) takes this position and believes that there is a heter by anything that has any purpose besides looking like a woman — including preventing anguish or shame — is allowed.
Personally, I definitely tend to lean towards applying this heter broadly.
I really see it to be a positive thing when people are free to express themselves in unique ways, even if it’s a little different from the norm. Men should feel comfortable with our bodies, and if shaving body hair, dyeing hair, or painting nails makes you happy and stops us from feeling shame, I say power to you. Men should be comfortable expressing variant forms of masculinities.
So do these Halakhot and Aggadot have no contemporary meaning? Thinking back to the Rashi in Vayeshev, Rashi implies that Yosef’s real “sin” was not playing with his hair per se but his haughtiness. He writes that Yosef started doing this after he became the Moshel of Potiphar’s house. Yosef lost sight of what was important in life and focused only on his beauty.
This halakha can come to teach us that while beauty and fashion can be an important means of male self expression, it must be done in a way that leads us to being happy and comfortable with ourselves, not as a way to show off how much money or power we have. We reject the use of fashion as a way to exhibit social status and pretension.
I bless us all to feel free to express ourselves in our physical appearance in ways that make us healthy and happy with who we are.
Author’s note: Many of these Halakhot may or may not have implications for trans folks. There is a fundamental difference between someone who identifies as a man but does traditionally female things and a trans woman, and the application of Lo Yilbash in a trans context is a discussion I encourage colleagues of mine more familiar with those issues to engage in.
