Maybe the Highest-priced Cheap-Ass Snack You Can Buy

Daniel Berenson
Jul 28, 2017 · 4 min read

Above you can see a photo of the meat case at my local Harris Teeter. I was trying to find the priciest slab of beef available and the filet mignons — See left of photo — at $19.99 a pound seemed to be it. See how they make the rib-eyes to their left — I take it that the filets are facing me — look like yesterday’s ol’ pork chops. I’m sure there are more expensive surf or turf items available somewhere, but no matter… I wasn’t about to buy the stuff; I just needed it as a prop for my argument.

I went back to the meat department to take this shot after paying for my purchases at the front of the store. Since I don’t yet have that app that allows me to just point my phone at products (while it reads the bar code) and afterward teleport myself to my car, I was forced to wait in one of those dreaded checkout lines. My impatience was fed by my apprehension that the checkout guy might make some sarcastic remark — even if it was under his breath, I’m sure I’d have been able to hear it — about my choice of groceries, being that my cart was halfway filled with boxes of popsicles (24 per), bottles of wine (large and cheap), and cartons of unsweetened almond milk (a mere 30 calories per cup). (“Having some people over?” I pictured him saying.) While I waited and worried, I had a bit of time to peruse the modern literature and knick-knack section that abutted the checkout line.

The news wasn’t that interesting. Matt Lauer is definitely out at the Today show, Megyn Kelly is in, and Matt is none too happy about it. I also wasn’t interested in the “Collector’s Editions” that People Magazine keeps putting out. I think today’s selection included “The Beatles’ 50 year anniversary of Sgt. Pepper” issue, one about Marilyn Monroe, another about Audrey Hepburn, etc. Nor the many magazines about people from reality shows, about whom I know nothing. Hey, I haven’t watched reality shows since “The Apprentice.” Now THAT was really good!

Anyway, what did catch my attention for some reason were the snacks immediately to my left. Among the assorted gums, breath mints, candy bars, and edible suppositories was something that rocked my world. Here, I took a picture of it.

Yeah, beef jerky! Something that apparently seems to have risen in prestige lately, I guess. I mean, who doesn’t like some good jerky (no doubt as fresh in its sealed plastic bag as it would be straight off a dead cow in the some corral, right)?

That “Low PRICE” sign got me to wondering though: How is $5.59 such a low price? I would have gotten out my calculator (on my phone) to do the math, but Harris Teeter had done my job for me, even if they had screwed up by inputting equal weights for the two bags when the Original Jerky came with 5.85 ounces of the stuff and the posh Teriyaki Jerky weighed in at mere 2.85 ounces. In any case, that made the Teriyaki Jerky around twice as expensive per ounce so I looked at the unit price tag (circled in yellow in the photo) and this is what I found.

OUCH!

WTF! That would be over 50% higher per pound than the filets mignon I was soon to research.

So there you have it, people. Eat all the jerky you want. What do I care? Just be aware that you could be eating a little more toward the back of the cow if you’d just get your own butt back to the fancy meat section.

In the meantime, Teriyaki Beef Jerky premieres at the #1 spot on my list of “The Highest-priced Cheap Ass Snack You Can Buy.” (Kind of an easy victory as I don’t have but one thing on the list so far. Further suggestions are welcome.)

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About the Author: Normally Daniel Berenson is supposed to be taking care of Freaky Dude Books, the site he maintains with Dr. Crankenfuss. Also he’s only one story short of finishing Stories Guaranteed to Make You Even Sicker. But he’s been off on this bird quest and he’s busy watching two Mexican telenovelas a night trying to improve his Spanish and he’s also in the middle of a new semester teaching English to recent immigrants. He hopes to get the Freaky Dude Books back on track soon if for no other reason than to keep Dr. Crankenfuss off his back.

Please follow me if you wish. I’d like that. I’ll be back with more articles. My mind is a fertile if unsanitary place, and the home of many suspect colonies of growth.

Daniel Berenson

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“Always trying. Very trying!” sums it up for Daniel, creator of Stories Guaranteed to Make You Sick, Dr. Crankenfuss books, Moose Jokes, & now Practically News.

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