Texas Voted Ugliest State

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Washington, D.C. — In an incredibly close vote, the state of Texas was chosen as the United States’ “Ugliest State” by a group of geographical and artistic experts at the quadrennial meeting of the National Geo-Artistic Society in Washington, D.C. this past month. In a vote many considered controversial at best and biased at less than best, Texas edged out Massachusetts, Maryland, and Alaska as the nation’s “Ugliest State.”

Although the vote was said to very close, exact totals were not released by the society, which meets every four years to decide which states merit the ugliness rating based on shape and size alone. Political and socio-economic data are disallowed as contributing factors by society by-laws, but many observers expressed misgivings about the outcome.

“This is a sham,” one bystander was heard saying. “Texas the ugliest? I mean, look at Maryland. It looks like something you’d find squashed on the bottom of your shoe. How did Texas win?”

Others defended Alaska, the previous winner, as the best choice. “Alaska is hands-down the ugliest,” claimed Wes Klampitt, a certified voter and performance artist by trade (and just by chance, a Texas resident). “Just look at that peninsula hanging off Alaska’s bottom. It looks like that ugly red thing that hangs down over a turkey’s head. Yuck!

The statement released by the society cited Texas “due to its relative lack of focus, macroartistically in form and microartistically in actual line. Texas comes across as a state that can’t make up its mind,” the statement continued. “You look at its east border and it resembles the profile of a beautiful child. Obviously a great start. But by the time you get to its western edge, they’ve turned the whole place into a toilet seat! It looks like something put together by a committee where no one spoke each other’s language. And what is that amoeba-shaped thing that goes along its south border? Where is Texas’s cohesion, its goal? There is nothing of the enticing ‘come hither’ quality of the Cape Cod peninsula shown by Massachusetts or the suggestive two-legged form hinted at by Maryland. And taking size into account, Texas looks like Alaska’s wussy little brother. For these reasons, Texas is our concensus #1 pick for this year. We’ll just come out and say it — Texas looks like it got beat by an ugly stick!”

Texas delegates to the convention promised an appeal. “Now that’s just some friggin’ bull***t,” said Jed Warton, official delegate from Amarillo and a professional horseshoe sculptor. “And if there’s anything Texans know about, it’s bull***t! Texas can’t be ugly. I mean, we’re Texas, right? We have everything — mountains, beach, desert, the Cowboys, the most beautiful women, the best people in the world— I mean, everything. Look how that thing is worded. Sounds like it came from some propeller-heads at Harvard. Calling Texas ugly is fightin’ words, that’s what it is. That’s something ISIS would dream up. Or even worse, a bunch of Democrats. We’ll see about this.”

Given the subsequent rise in Texas gun sales since the vote, members of the National Geo-Artistic Society could not be reached for further comment.

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