The Best Bird Seed I’ve Found Was Packaged by Birdbrains!

We’re into birds, my girlfriend Maureen and I, and I especially am into finding the feed that attracts the most birds. Why, I just spent 45 minutes whipping up two suet cakes that are now sitting in the deep freeze just chillin’, soon to be the plat du jour for our feathered guests. (And yes, Anthony Bourdain has already called about them.)

Rendered beef suet, peanut butter, seed, and other ingredients too wonderful to mention.

So it was with great delight that I found Wild Delight birdseed on sale at our local Ace Hardware — a mere $10 for five pounds of stuff so good I’ve been snacking on it myself. Close your eyes and have someone read you this list of ingredients: sunflower kernels, peanuts, sunflower seed, safflower seed, pumpkin seed, raisins, and cranberries. Are your glands wet yet? No, not those glands. Your salivary glands! (Just add in some M&M’s and your next hiking trip is going to rock, dude!)

Anyway, Wild Delight birdseed has become an integral part of my homemade suet recipe. But upon studying the bag for the ingredients, I couldn’t help but notice that, while good food might be these guys’ field of expertise, spelling sure ain’t!

Take a gander at the name of this comely commodity.

“Hey, Titmoose,” does this look right?”

“Sure does, Glizzard. That apostrophe gives it some class, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, sure does.”

But Titmoose and Glizzard have their beaks up their patooties! That apostrophe could only be taking the place of a missing d. And thus the original name for this seed must have been NUT ND BERRY. Try pronouncing that middle word. Just rolls off your tongue, doesn’t it?

Hey, birdbrains! There should be an apostrophe in front of the n as well! You know, for that missing a. Your product should be titled NUT ’N’ BERRY. Or how about NUT AND BERRY, or NUTS AND BERRIES?

Wild Delight people, you have a great product here. Why taint it with an ignorance of English spelling rules? I know that most people won’t notice it or won’t care, but couldn’t you at least show a little respect for the guys below? (They’re bluebirds, BTW.) After all, everyone knows how picky birds can be.

(And for those readers out there who go crazy if someone points out they don’t know grammar or spelling, this isn’t a matter of correcting a tweet or an email. This is a commercial product involving many, many thousands of dollars and a national company’s reputation. How much effort would it take to get it right?)

Photo by Maureen Dunlap with a Sony camera and telephoto lens through a glass door.

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About the Author: Normally Daniel Berenson is supposed to be taking care of Freaky Dude Books, the site he maintains with Dr. Crankenfuss. Also he’s only one story short of finishing Stories Guaranteed to Make You Even Sicker. But he’s been off on this bird quest and he’s busy watching two Mexican telenovelas a night trying to improve his Spanish and he’s also in the middle of a new semester teaching English to recent immigrants. He hopes to get the Freaky Dude Books back on track soon if for no other reason than to keep Dr. Crankenfuss off his back.

Please follow me if you wish. I’d like that. I’ll be back with more articles soon. My mind is a fertile if unsanitary place, and the home of many suspect colonies of growth.

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