Pain is not a foreign sensation. Heartbreak, injury, torment, jealousy. A wide array of feelings and emotions have come and gone. But the greatest agony is loss. A friend, family or just someone you once looked up to.
My first notable loss is my father. Now, he’s not moved on from this life, but he is out of reach. Yes, he is just a phone call away. But I cannot get the sensation of presence. He is not here. If I need something, he will do all he can to provide still. But I miss him dearly. Just a hug or a hand shake.
Next came my grandmother. Stricken with mental and physical ailments, and surrounded by a family that shunned her own daughter, I have not laid eyes or tasted her wonderful cooking in years. One phone call in the last 4 years. I fear she will not be in this world much longer, and that unfortunately will not be as difficult on me as it should.
Then comes the girl I loved. A being that I devoted a grand portion of my life to. More than half of my adult life, blinked away as if it were nothing but a fly. This one, is not loss of a person, but loss of time. A section of my life that could have been spent doing more for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I miss her and some of the times we had. But as I look back, I often wish i had been smarter.
My most recent loss is one I do not think I can really call loss. My most recent love and someone I care for dearly. An individual that was unfairly ripped away from me. Words cannot express my sorrow at the way this played out. I cannot help but to feel as if I had played a different hand, things would have been different. But at the same time, another part of me tells me there was not a path I could have traveled that would have led to an outcome that I would have found favorable. I do not believe I can call it a loss though because I still have the option of presence, voice and sharing. But it doesn’t feel right, like it should not be this way.
Experiencing this, I will still persevere. I will strive on, because even though people come and go, I know there are going to be a select few who will not leave. I have friends and family who I will always be able to live and count on. To all my friends I love you all,