Stop Winking In The Dark
Communication Underpins Everything You Do. Get Good At It With This Upcoming Article Series
Without the exchange of information between people, how could we get anything done? I mean anything?
When we do communicate, we connect with each other. When we connect, we understand each other, and then, anything is possible. I mean anything.
Our interpersonal communications skills determine how well we can connect, convince, persuade, advance, produce, sell, share a vision, lead, achieve objectives, and both contribute to, and receive from, life itself.
So, why is it so difficult?
George Bernard Shaw famously said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
Here’s an example. My friend’s parents are in their late 70’s, and she has been shopping for them during the Coronavirus Pandemic. Her mom tells her that she wants to go to the store herself. My friend reacted with a little anger and shock, saying to her mom in a bit of an accusatory tone, “Why would you go to the grocery store?”
You can imagine how her mother reacted.
What my friend meant was, “I’m worried about your safety.”
But what her mom heard was, “You’re old and vulnerable.”
Why couldn’t my friend say, or her mother hear, what was really meant?
In part, because neither knows how.
Our family dynamics, education systems, and power structures, have all conditioned us to see the world as binary choices of win/lose, right/wrong, etc, which leads to a communication framework of coerce/control, blame/judge, attack/demand, protect/defend, etc.
Yet many successful people are instead able to connect, inspire, share, uplift, and motivate.
Great leaders are great communicators, as are great partners, teammates, and co-workers, because (know it or not), they connect with people, through skills like active listening, body language, story telling, and adapting to other people’s communication styles.
Martin Luther King Jr. led the civil rights movement through writing, speaking, talking, and action (which, yes, is a form of communication).
Oprah gets people to open up and share with millions of people things they wouldn’t share with their own parents.
And, Warren Buffet famously said, “If you can’t communicate, it’s like winking at a girl in the dark, nothing happens. You can have all the brainpower in the world, but you’ve got to be able to transmit it.”
So where can you start improving this all important skill?
If we approach communication with others by first observing our own feelings and needs, then we will be in a much better position to communicate with intention, rather than react with emotion.
Do you remember Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? It tells us that everything everyone does, always, is done in an attempt to fulfill a human need. (Even actions like giving fulfills a need to contribute).
You, me, your boss, your staff, your board, company owners, consultants, vendors, and everyone else in your life, we are all just trying to navigate this world and shape it to meet our needs.
Here’s something to try, right now, to understand how this works.
Think of a recent difficult conversation. What was going on inside you? Don’t judge your feelings, just name them. (Here’s a list if you need a reference.) Were you feeling warm, curious, or stimulated? Or maybe you were angry, baffled, or rattled. No interpretations here, just factual observations. Stop reading and take a minute. It might help to write it all down.
Your body (not your mind) is a powerful antennae and computer giving you petabytes of data on any situation.
Now, imagine if the other person knew how you felt. How would that have made the conversation different?
What if you knew what they were feeling?
What if you both knew why you each were feeling the way you did? How would that have changed the conversation?
The “why” here, the reason you were feeling the way you did, was because some human need was not being filled by the interaction.
It could have been a need for cooperation, stability, security, support, or any number of other things, that’s for you to figure out. (Here’s a list, to help you).
Communicating in this way may have helped my friend say to her mother, “When you tell me you want to go out, I am scared because I don’t want you to put yourself or others in danger.” This is the start of a much different conversation.
Psychologist Leon F. Seltzer tells us that being understood is even more important than being loved, writing: “that others can grasp the meaning of your words and actions is critical to achieving an enduring sense of security and well-being.”
After decades of helping people and organizations communicate, I have come to realize two things. First, anyone can become a better communicator, and second, doing so is the fastest way to achieving what you want in life (getting more of your needs met).
So, with that in mind, I will be posting short articles on this channel, sharing the science of communication, tools to communicate effectively, and situations where you can apply these skills, mostly in the workplace.
I will reference my own experiences as a Communications Director and Trainer, but also the work of experts like Kim Scott (Radical Candor), Kerry Patterson (Crucial Conversations), and Martha Davis (Messages).
Most of what I teach, however, comes from the work of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Non Violent Communication, sometimes called Compassionate Communication, which I believe holds the most promise to transform our lives and the world around us, because rather than relying on coercion and fear, his framework helps us understand and use human emotions and needs to connect with others and achieve shared goals.
Here’s a list of topics and ideas I plan to write about. If you have requests or suggestions, please let me know in the comments below.
